The Long Road Home

By Jamie Nicole White

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Chapter Ten

Hayden walked the semi-crowded streets of downtown Bakersfield, a far cry from the normal  hustle and bustle of Manhattan. It was a nice change from the ordinary, a jolt back in time to when things were simpler and life seemed like one big thrill ride. She wished she could return to times of innocence and dreams, to when everything made sense and the world seemed like something to be conquered, not  the conqueror.

            Walking down Main Street she felt transported in time, visions of her life growing up here dancing around in her head. She realized that every memory she had of this place and her life here included Jake. Long summers down by the lake, splashing in the water without a care in the world, winters spent at the Downtown Arcade playing Pac Man and ski ball, or the occasional shared milkshakes at the Tastee Freeze, all recollections of times long ago when Jake and she enjoyed one another’s company. Knowing that what once was could never again be was all too real, more so than it had ever been.

            Hadn’t she gotten past dwelling on what might have been? Hadn’t she given up on dreams of happily ever after with that man? One day back in his company and she was forgetting everything she had went through that summer, not so long ago but centuries in the past. Her mind neglected to remember the hurt and despair he had caused her and only chose to dwell on the love and contentment they had found with one another. How easy it was to disregard reality. How damn painless it was to think about the way it used to be, not the way it had turned out.

            She knew that coming home wouldn’t be easy. Hayden knew that there would be hurdles to cross and bridges to repair. But Jake wasn’t exactly making it easy for her. One minute he was cold, the next hot. He was up. He was down. One minute he was detached and the next he was pleasant. So many confused emotions were surging through her, brought on by his unstable mood swings. Jake needed to make up his mind exactly what he wanted from her.

            Hayden would be more than willing to just stay away from him if that was what he wanted. But he couldn’t be indecisive, not about this. Too much was at stake, too many topsy-turvy emotions. It was hard enough to sit back and see what she had left behind, to know that somewhere deep down inside were feelings that were yearning to resurface. Why did everything have to be so hard… always?

            How completely convenient is must be to take no responsibility at all! That was Jake’s approach, wasn’t it? Blame everyone else for your own shortcomings and keep dodging the finger of blame in hopes that no one will call you on it. He refused

to take any fault for what happened between them, that was obvious. Instead, he seemed hell bent on placing that blame on her. What a wonderful way to escape accountability. Point the finger to someone else before they have time to point it at you.

            If memory served her correctly, Jake was as much to blame as she was. She hadn’t become pregnant by means of immaculate conception. He had planted that seed inside of her, had helped create that life. He was the one that got scared and ran from her, leaving her to deal with the consequences alone and fearful that alone was the way she would continue to be. Sure she had ran away, too cowardly to face the music. But he wasn’t completely innocent. He had ran away from her as well, just not as far.

            She just wanted some stability, some form of consistency in her life. Get married or don’t get married? Stay for the sake of Walter and Elizabeth or leave because Jake is a pompous ass? Talk about indecisiveness, she was calling the kettle black. Hayden had never had a moment of concise certainty in her life. She had run from one chaos to another. It was time to bring order to her world, to stick to her guns and run with it. But where did she begin? Did she begin with Jake? Or did she begin with herself?

            She was done! Hayden couldn’t think anymore for fear of her head exploding. She knew it would be like this, knew that her homecoming wouldn’t be easy. All she could do was bide her time, avoid Jake at all costs, and accomplish the one thing she had come home to do… say good-bye to Walter Tucker.

            Hayden spied the cemetery, a short walk from where she was and decided to pay a long awaited visit to the memoriam she had erected in memory of her daughter.

            Through the tangle of brush and weeds, through the tall unkempt grass, she walked slowly, her eyes flicking over the headstones of those long gone. She found Amanda’s tombstone just ahead and carried herself carefully, closing the distance slowly. There it was, the stone sculpture of a cherub, an ivy vine climbing the chubby legs of the statuette.

            Falling to the ground on her knees, she clasped her hands together and prayed. She wasn’t religious by nature, but praying just felt right. She prayed for her friends and family, and more importantly for Walter. She asked that he be void of suffering and be allowed to live the remainder of his life in peace and joy. Then, she prayed for the daughter she had never met other than in her dreams. She prayed for Amanda.

            In that moment, Hayden couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if things had turned out differently. What would have happened if her daughter had lived? Would things be easier? Or would life have been one struggle after the other? What would she have looked like? Would she have had Jake’s eyes and his affectionate smile? Would she have had Hayden’s hair and her personality? There were so many eternal questions, unanswered and unsolved.

            Hayden knew that she would’ve never been a good mother, knew that she was too young to have a child. But she sure would have tried, whether it be alone or with Jake. She would have made sure that her daughter would’ve had the best possible life.  Obviously the man upstairs disagreed, chose to take the chance away from her.

            For two years, she and Jake had had the kind of relationship that only dreams were made of. They had loved each other unconditionally and without boundaries. She thought it was meant to last forever, that nothing could destroy what they had. But shortly before their high school graduation, the worst happened. Hayden had found at that she was pregnant. She had decided that the best course of action was to wait and tell him after graduation.

            Telling Jake was the hardest thing she had done up to that point in her life. Jake had become distant and purposefully mean. And each time they were alone, she could feel their usual comfortable camaraderie fading fast. The man she had always been able to talk and laugh with had lost his personality.

            By the middle of summer, she had lost the baby. And despite the fact that relief was a warranted emotion at that stage in their life, Jake had been a little too happy over the news of the loss of their baby. Hayden was relieved that she no longer had to stress about how she, being an eighteen year old girl with her entire life ahead of her was going to take care of an infant. But somewhere in the back of her mind, there was a deep sadness looming. The thought of her carrying a tiny life inside one moment and the next that life was gone had plagued her more than she ever thought possible. And the one person she had depended on most of her life was no longer there for her.

            The stray tear spilled from her eye, kissing her cheek in a soft caress. So many years had passed. Yet the sting of reality hurt just as badly as if it had been yesterday.

            Unclasping her hands, Hayden reached up and brushed the tear away from her face, straightened her spine and stared out across the horizon. In that instant, the realization hit her. She knew that she could come home but she could never go back. Life had moved on, had refused to stand still for a reason. And even though life had ran ahead of her, Hayden’s heart refused to budge. It was still stuck in the same repetitive scene, still hanging onto some shred of hope that she could redeem herself of the ghosts of the past.  She had wanted liberation and reprieve. She had wanted closure and resolution. And she wanted to walk away from Bakersfield with a feeling of freedom.

            Jake Tucker was a figment of the forgotten, was nothing more than her overly romantic imagination running away with her. And she was allowing him to infiltrate her thoughts way too much. It was time to get that closure, even if it meant going out on a limb and seeking it only for herself. To hell with Jake. This was no longer about him. It was about finding her inner self, getting that closure she needed so desperately so that she could go home with a clear conscience and marry Brian. She needed to rid herself of the memories of their fatal romance.

            Damn Jake Tucker for ruining her for any kind of relationship. Why did he have to be so perfect? And why did she have to always compare every man she had ever been involved with to him? Why was it that every time she looked at him, she longed for what they once had? Why couldn’t she get him out of her mind?

            This had to stop right now. She had to put an end to it once and for all. She needed to talk to Jake and square everything away. Pulling herself to her feet, she stared at the gravestone one last time before turning from it. Today was the day to just put it all out there, to close this chapter of her life once and for all… starting with Jake.

••••

            Jake reached up and wiped the beads of sweat off of his forehead. He bounced the basketball off of the pavement absently, his mind swamped with everything that had happened over the last few days. Dealing with his father dying was enough to handle. But now, he was getting the looming feeling that his dad had plans to play matchmaker.

            Maybe Walter Tucker just wanted to be sure that his son would be happy. Or maybe he thought he was doing Jake some great favor by trying to reunite him with the one woman he had loved almost half of his life. But Jake didn’t want to rekindle long lost feelings with Hayden. He wanted to forget about her once and for all.

            The truth was, he didn’t have a choice. He had to forget about her. She was going to be married to another man. And that fact shouldn’t have bothered him, but it did. It was ludicrous for him to still be so disillusioned. Yet, he wasn’t prepared to deal with the truth. She had moved on. And he was still stuck in the same old rut.

            The worst part of this entire situation was, he was actually still attracted to this woman. There was something about her, had always been, that just drew him like a moth to a flame. Her fun-loving nature and charismatic personality was the major element of her appeal. Her beauty had forever taken his breath away. Time had not changed the girl that she once was. And that was what scared him the most. The idea that Hayden Laurence still possessed the same traits that had lured him the first time around was the one thing he feared.

            He had known what it was like to love her and to be loved by her. And no matter how many years had passed between them, that feeling was something he would never forget. Life had been perfect when they were together. She had made him feel like he could do anything, could be anything. She never judged him or criticized him. Hayden had always loved him for exactly what he was, a man with faults.

            Jake bounced the basketball once more before tossing it at the hoop. The ball bounced off of the backboard in a loud thud, causing him to curse silently.

            “You’re pretty rusty,” the voice came from behind him.

            Jake turned on one heel and found himself face to face with Hayden. Her long hair was pulled back in a loose pony tail, her baggy sweats clinging provocatively to her curves. His breath whooshed out of his lungs, his stomach tied in knots. He couldn’t speak, his mind incapable of forming the words.

            “I’m sorry,” she replied quickly, feeling really awkward. “I didn’t meant to sneak up on you. I just thought that maybe we could talk.”

            “What about?” he groaned, not at all prepared for a deep discussion of any kind with this woman.

            He retrieved the ball quickly and placed it under his arm as he walked back to where she stood, glaring at her expectantly.

            “Nothing,” she sighed, losing all sense of willpower. “Nothing at all.” She turned to walk away but his voice halted her.

            “Hayden?” Jake held his breath and waited for her to face him once again, one beautiful brow arched inquisitively. Without so much as a thought, he threw the ball to her, harder than he had expected, and winced when he saw her catch it in the abdomen with a low grunt.

            “What?” she growled irritably, the wind momentarily knocked out of her.

            “You still got it?”

            “Still got what?”

            “You know what,” he teased, not quite sure what had come over him but just going with the flow anyway.

            Hayden threw him a lopsided grin as she began dribbling the ball. In one hasty movement, she ran past him and landed the perfect lay-up. Catching the ball as it fell through the hoop, she launched it at him and turned to walk away.

            “Care for a friendly game,” he offered, the words out of his mouth before he could stop himself.

            Hayden halted and turned to face him once again, one brow raised challengingly. “I wouldn’t want to embarrass you.”          

            Jake had to chuckle. Some things never changed.

            Wordlessly, he threw the ball to her a little harder than he meant to. She gave him a sly look as she threw it back to him, equally hard.

            Jake began to dribble, dodging her oncoming advance. Having the advantage of height, being almost a foot taller than her, he casually shot the ball over her head and heard the familiar ‘swoosh’ as it went through the net. “That’s one,” he announced arrogantly.

            Hayden rolled her eyes as she retrieved the ball, taking it out of bounds and checking it with him before she began to dribble. Jake had to admit, she may have been short and skinny, but she was fast. Before he knew what hit him, she had maneuvered around him and made a basket for herself. She did her customary victory dance, causing Jake to laugh. She was the only person he had ever known to congratulate herself over one basket.

            They continued to play vigorously, outwitting and outmaneuvering each other with such grace and skill. After almost forty-five minutes of hard play, Jake was drenched in sweat. He was one point ahead of her and the pressure was on.

            He pulled his shirt off and threw it on the ground, ready to get serious. For a moment, he caught a glint in Hayden’s eyes he would have almost mistaken for admiration. But he was easily put to shame as she dodged around him and made another basket. Damn, she was good, he thought.

            Hayden stepped back for a minute, trying to catch her breath. She liked to think she was breathless from the game. But when Jake took his shirt off, she couldn’t help but gawk. He had always been too handsome for words. Yet that body of his was sinful. He had shed his lanky physique she had remembered. Now, his stomach was flat and toned, his arms bulging with rippling muscles. Jake had filled out in all the right spots and she was almost ashamed of herself for noticing.

            “Put your shirt back on, bird boy,” she threw over her shoulder teasingly, trying to divert his attention away from her obvious admiration.

            “Keep your mind on the game, chicken legs,” he retorted in a playful tone, remembering his old nickname for her all those years ago.

            She had had the skinniest legs he had ever seen and so he started calling her chicken legs. Hayden had hated the pet name, had scrunched her nose up at him every time he had called her that, just like she was doing at the moment.

            “Pay attention, shit for brains,” she taunted, her voice a little less good-humored and a bit more irritated, “because I’m getting ready to beat the hell out of you.”

            “Bring it on, Baby,” he goaded, awkwardly turned on by the slight glimpse of the girl he once knew. Hayden was still in there… and she was roaring to get out.

            “You asked for it,” she chuckled, dribbling the ball and preparing to outmaneuver him and make the winning shot.

            He found himself admiring her agility as she dodged him again and went in for a lay-up. Jake suppressed a frustrated groan as he caught a glimpse of her toned abdomen when her shirt lifted up a bit while landing the shot. It only took him a minute to realize that not only was he drooling over that unattainable body of hers, he was drooling while she landed the winning shot.

            He shook his head and covered his face with his hands as she did her victory dance. He tried to contain his laughter, but the sight of her jumping up and down and dancing around wildly was too much, brought back too many humorous memories.

            Hayden ran up to him and playfully punched him in the stomach. “You asked for it,” she reminded him, feeling more alive than she could remember in years.

            “Don’t think you won that because you’re better than me. I just thought that you would enjoy winning for once.”

            “Jake Tucker,” she pointed an accusing finger at him. “If you think for one second that I’m going to believe that you let me win, then you’re stupider than I thought.”

            “Stupid, huh?”

            “That’s what I said,” she challenged.

            Jake shook his head and chuckled. “Some things never change.”

            “What’s your point, Jake?” she prompted.

            “You’re still as arrogant as ever.”

            “And you still have a problem admitting that I’m better at basketball than you are. I always have been.”

            “You think so?”

            “I know so.” She stared at him thoughtfully for a moment before her face lit up with that brilliant smile. “All those times you won in the past… it was because I let you.”

            “You are such a liar,” he growled with laughter in his voice.

            “The truth hurts,” was her arrogant reply as she turned  from him and prepared to walk away.

            Jake didn’t think, he just reacted. Quickly, he reached out and grabbed her upper arm, whirling her around to face him once again. The sting of that touch throbbed throughout his entire body, the heat rising like an erupting volcano. Just as quickly as he grabbed her, he released his hold on her arm.

            Hayden took a step back and stared at him, rubbing her arm with her hand as if she had just been burned. But the truth was, she had been enflamed by his touch, had felt it tingling all over her skin.

            Their eyes met and held, neither one looking away. It was as if they had been suddenly struck mute, unable to speak for the words were unattainable. The world dissolved until there was only the two of them, standing still with the earth revolving around them. Time stood still, the moment eclipsing them.

            Finally, Jake couldn’t take the silence any longer. “What did you want to talk about?”

            “You know what… It wasn’t important.”

            “Um…” he fumbled, not sure exactly how he wanted to handle this situation. Should he confront it or ignore it? He didn’t want to make a mountain out of a mole hill. It was best to brush it off, change the subject, and move on. “There’s something going down at the dance corral tonight. Everyone’s going to be there.”

            “Yeah?” she asked expectantly, not sure why she wanted him to ask her to go so much.

            “Yeah,” he swallowed, trying to figure out why he had even thought about asking her to go. She probably would frown down on something so superficial and unsophisticated, her being a city girl now. But he asked anyway, almost positive that she would refuse the invitation. “Maybe you’d like to go. You know, see all of our old friends.”

            “I’d like that.”

            His eyes met hers as he stared down at her, his face etched in shock. “You would?” he asked skeptically.

            “Sure. As long as I don’t have to dance.”

            “Not dance? What’s the point in going if you’re not going to dance?”

            She gave him a weird look, her smile timid. “Jake, don’t you remember senior prom?”

            “Senior prom?”

            “Yes. I stepped on your toe with the heel of my shoes and broke it.”

            He laughed, the memory coming back to him swiftly. “Oh yeah.”

            “Yeah,” she replied sheepishly, covering her face with her hand in an attempt to hide her embarrassment. “I couldn’t dance then. And I can’t dance now.”

            “That’s okay. I’ll wear my Stetson. You can wear some cowgirl boots. We’ll look so damn good, no one will care whether or not you can dance.”

            She rolled her eyes as she started to walk away. “I don’t even own cowgirl boots,” she replied over her shoulder.

            “You grew up in Texas and you don’t own cowgirl boots? What’s wrong with you, girl?”

            Hayden’s only response was a shake of her head and a chuckle.

            Jake watched her retreat, the gentle seductive sway of her hips and the sexy bounce in her step. It had to be a sin to be that beautiful, he thought to himself.

            “So is that a yes?” he called out to her.

            “Yes!”

            “Great! I’ll see you in an hour.”

            “Okay,” she shouted back as she disappeared inside the house.       

            The smile was still on his face when he turned around and almost ran into his father.

            Walter gave his son an assessing glance before saying, “It’s nice to see you two getting along again.”

            “Yeah,” he replied offhandedly.

            “Maybe it’s just me, but she sure hasn’t changed all that much. Not like I thought she would.”

            “I guess.” Jake shrugged indifferently.

            “You know something, Jake?”

            “What’s that, Dad?”

            “I don’t know why you choose to be so stubborn.”

            “Dad,” Jake moaned

            “It’s not too late, you know.” Walter turned to walk away.

            Jake put a halting hand on his father’s forearm. “What exactly is that supposed to mean?”

            Walter pulled his arm free and continued towards the house, looking over his shoulder to see if his son was following him.

            Jake stopped only for a moment to retrieve his shirt before catching up with his father. “Seriously, Dad. What did you mean by that?”

            “I’ve seen the way you look at her. Can you honestly tell me that you don’t still feel anything for her at all?”

            “Look,” he admitted. “I can’t deny that somewhere inside that little hoity-toity country girl turned citified is the same hellion we both know and adore. But friendship is the only thing I’m thinking about right now. That’s all I can offer her and hope to get in return. So stop trying to play matchmaker here. Okay?”

            “Friendship, huh?”

            “Yes… friendship.”

            “And that’s enough for you?”

            “I guess it has to be,” Jake shrugged before turning on one foot and walking away. 

Continued