The Long Road Home

By Jamie Nicole White

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Chapter Five 

Bakersfield, Texas

            Jake Tucker sat in front of the Christmas tree, becoming mesmerized by the twinkling lights. He was home until the weekend and despite how much he loved his parents, he was wishing for Saturday to come so he could get away from Bakersfield.

            Being home didn’t usually stir so many emotions, at least it hadn’t in a very long time. He had left Bakersfield behind years ago and in doing so, had left the memories of the past behind as well. They were better left that way. Seven years was a long time to harbor emotions for someone that no longer existed to him.

            It was hard for him to pinpoint why these feelings were welling up inside of him again. Jake had grown up and matured over the years. Feelings of resentment and hate faded with each passing day, month, and year. But here they were burrowing a deep hole inside of him and he didn’t understand how any emotion could still exist.

            Jake held the Christmas card in his hand, staring at the delicate penmanship with a lump in his throat. He had found the card earlier that day and refused to confront his mother about it. How long had Hayden been sending his parents cards? It had been seven years since she had left and he had not heard one word from his parents about keeping in touch with her. To him, it felt like a betrayal. It shouldn’t, but it did.

            It was ironic how something so simple as a card could cause so many emotions to resurface. Jake didn’t think about her at all anymore and he was proud of that fact. When she had first left, it took every ounce of will power to put her out of his mind. He welcomed the start of college and the fact that he would be beginning another life. Bakersfield had held too many memories that he wasn’t prepared to deal with. Everywhere he had turned there were reminders of her and the time that they had shared together, both growing up and when they were ‘in love’.

            For the first several visits home, Jake would feel the pit of dread rising in his stomach at least a week before he left the campus. He had made his stays short and in turn, denied his parents the visit that they had deserved. By the time the first year was over and he returned for the summer, time had healed the wounds that she had left on his heart. He could walk around town and barely feel the tinge of loneliness from not having her by his side.

            By the second year of college, Jake had completely cleaned out his closet. He began dating and had made an honest attempt at living college life to the fullest. Jake had met the perfect girl. She was everything that Hayden had not been and he welcomed the change. But like the idiot that he was, he screwed it up by subconsciously comparing her to the one that he had spent most of his life comparing every other girl to. Hayden was somehow still a constant in his heart and in his mind and that fact pissed him off more than he could imagine.

            All of the tiny pieces fit together perfectly until there was nothing left in his heart for Hayden but pure and unadulterated hate. Jake found that contempt was an easier emotion to deal with. If he didn’t loathe her, he knew that he would never be able to move on.

            And he had moved on, or so he thought. Life wasn’t exactly what he had expected, but he couldn’t complain. He didn’t think about her at all anymore. It had been a welcome change over the last five years. Hayden was nothing but a faded memory… until now.

            Jake unfolded the note that was enclosed and read over it a second time. The words jumped off of the page and affected him in a way that they shouldn’t have.

            He knew that she had been living in New York, had seen her beautiful face plastered over magazine covers galore. Jake had even suspected that she had found someone new to keep her warm in bed at night, to spend her life with and laugh with. But the reality of her getting married changed things in his mind. The idea of her no longer pining for him became all too real.

            All of a sudden, he heard the floor creaking and glanced up from the letter to find his mother approaching slowly in the half darkened den. She smiled as she glanced down at the contents in his hand and sat down beside of him.

            Elizabeth Tucker’s beauty had not diminished with the passing years. She was still slim and stunning at fifty. Her smile reached her vibrant hazel eyes as she placed her hand on top of his. “I had hoped you wouldn’t find that. I suppose I didn’t hide it as well as I have in the past.”

            “How long have you been getting cards from her?”

            “Five years. She sends us Christmas cards every year and we get sporadic letters every now and again.”

            “And you didn’t tell me?” he asked incredulously.         

            “I didn’t think it mattered.” Elizabeth stared at him for a long moment. Jake’s usually vibrant blue eyes were clouded over with emotion. It broke her heart to see her son so troubled.

            He had changed so much over the years, completely letting his appearance go. Still, Elizabeth had to admit her son was the most handsome man she had ever had the pleasure of laying eyes on, whether her opinion be biased or not. Her eyes roamed over his shaggy brown mane to the stubble on his chin. How she wished he would take better care of himself! “Are you angry with me for keeping it from you?”

            “No. I’m angry with myself for caring one way or the other.”

            “You shouldn’t be. Sometimes we long for the things that were taken away

from us without warning so much that we can’t comprehend where it comes from.”

            “It was seven years ago. And I shouldn’t feel anything. But somewhere inside, I can’t help myself. I’m glad she’s doing fine and I’m happy that she found someone that can make her happy.”

            “Then, what’s the problem?”

            “I guess I’ve always assumed that wherever she was, she was still pining for me. That she had found it hard to move on and was still dwelling on leaving the best thing in her life behind.” He rolled his eyes and laughed humorlessly at his childish remarks. “I know it sounds stupid.”

            “It doesn’t sound stupid at all. When two people who love each other deeply part ways, it’s always difficult. But it’s more challenging when that love ends abruptly. Neither one of you had the chance to say good-bye.”

            “That wasn’t my fault.”

            “You’re right. She left you. But perhaps she didn’t know any other way,” she offered.

            “That’s a weak excuse. We could have talked things through, tried to fix it.”

            “Jake, you know it wouldn’t have been that easy. You and Hayden were so young and to go through the things that you had to go through. It’s hard enough finding out that you were going to be parents while you were still kids yourselves. And you both dealt with it separately instead of together.”

            “We could have fixed things between us. She didn’t have to run away.”

            “Sometimes running is the safest and easiest way to prevent getting your heart broken.”

            “It doesn’t matter. That was years ago.”

            “Then why is that card bothering you so much?”

            He didn’t reply, just stared at the card blankly.

            “There’s nothing wrong with curiosity.” Her eyes bored a hole through him as she stared at the unshaven face of her handsome son. “Are you curious about her?”

            “There’s nothing to be curious about. I see her goddamn picture plastered over every other magazine I pick up.”

            Her eyes twinkled mischievously. “She always was a pretty girl.”

            Jake stared at her with an incredulous expression on his face. “You’re not helping.”

            “I’m sorry. What do you want me to say?”

            “Nothing. Just say nothing.”

            Elizabeth placed a consoling hand on his knee, her hazel eyes meeting his. “We can’t go back and change the sins of our past. All we can do is learn from it so that we don’t make the same mistakes in the future.”

            “You’re point?”

            “Instead of placing all of the blame on the other person, you should accept some yourself. You are a wonderful boy, Jake. I’ve always thought that. But you ran out on that girl when she needed you the most. And in turn, she ran out on you. The blame there seems equal to me. Perhaps you can take that knowledge and apply it to your future relationships. It doesn’t hurt us to admit that we aren’t perfect.”

            Elizabeth leaned over and kissed him softly on the cheek before standing up and stretching her arms over her head. She suppressed a yawn and glanced down at her son. “Good night, Jake.”

            “Good night, Mom.”

            He watched her walk away before he glanced back down at the card. His mother had had a point. But what good did it do him now? The past was just that. And he had gotten over her.

            Jake had moved on with his life and he was proud of where he was at now. His job was something he had always dreamed of. He had spent six long years in college to fulfill that dream, but it had come true. Jake worked for a very prestigious firm designing buildings and watching them come to life before his eyes. He had to admit that he hadn’t been granted the kind of projects he had hoped for. But he had only been with the firm for six months. His opportunities would open up more once he had the experience behind him. Before long, he would have his loans paid back and hopefully within the next ten years, be able to open up his own firm. That was what he really wanted to do.

            His love life had been lacking. However, that was the least of his worries. Jake had found his ambition more than able to fill that void of having someone to wake up beside of in the morning. He got what he needed from the women he picked up at the bar. They provided him a quick release with a noncommittal roll beneath the sheets. At this point in his life, that was enough.

            Jake continued to stare at the card, annoyed with himself for still caring. No matter how many years had passed, time could not change the fact that she had walked away from him. He had pushed her away merely because he had no longer knew how to act around her. Life had become so terribly serious all of a sudden and he wasn’t prepared to deal with the situation. Still, that didn’t give her a reason to run. It had just proven to him that she lacked having faith in him. And that was the worst blow to Jake, the idea that she no longer trusted him with her heart.

            He was no saint either. He had barely waited a day before he had strayed into bed with none other than Dana Anderson, Hayden’s nemesis. The resentment he felt was not only directed towards her but himself. He had betrayed her in the worst way possible without even knowing that she was gone for good. That made him no better than she was.

            Suddenly, the phone rang, nearly making him jump out of the chair. Jake snatched the phone from the hook and said a quick “hello”.

            “Merry Christmas,” the familiar sultry voice that belonged to none other than Dana Anderson vibrated across the line.

            “Merry Christmas,” Jake returned in his best jovial voice, although he didn’t feel so cheerful.

            “How was your day?”

            Did he tell her the truth? The truth was it had been like any other Christmas with his family up until he had found the card. Then, it had taken a turn for the worse as he spent the rest of the day obsessing about something so insignificant. “It was fine. And yours?”

            “It was boring and I’m glad it’s over.”

            Jake and Dana had driven into town together. It was almost impossible not to take her with him since he was already coming and she didn’t have a car. Nothing changed the fact that any insurmountable time he spent with Dana these days was nothing less than exhausting. She had been trying to get him into a serious relationship for years. But lately, it was all she talked about and he just assumed hide out from her than go over the reasons why they would never be good together as a couple.

            Her biological clock could tick somewhere else. Sure, she was perfect for a sporadic night of unadulterated sex… but that was all that he wanted from her. That was all that he had ever wanted from her and he had made that perfectly clear from the moment they became friends with benefits. She was good in bed but that was all that they had in common.

             Jake found himself drowning out most of their conversations together. Dana never said anything that held any importance. Most of their talks revolved around her and her budding career. She would speak incessantly about the men that drooled at her feet in an attempt to make Jake jealous. Jake, however, had put that evil monster behind him years ago. He had promised himself never to be bitten by the wickedness of jealousy again. And so, he had kept true to his promise.

            “I’ve had enough of the family bullshit to last me a lifetime,” she sighed. “Want to grab some lunch tomorrow?”

            “I can’t. I promised to take my dad to the doctor. He hasn’t been feeling very well.”

            “What about after the doctor?”

            “Look, Dana. I don’t get to see my parents very often. And I’m not going to be your consolation prize for persistent boredom. Find someone else to entertain you.”

            “Fine,” she huffed. “Then, I guess I’ll just see you Saturday when you come to pick me up.”

            “That’s what we had decided on anyway.”

            “You know what, Jake Tucker? One day, I’m just going to stop trying and when you turn around and see me not there chasing after you like a female feline in heat, you’re going to miss me,” she threatened.

            “Fine, Dana. I have to go.” And with that, he hung up on her. He didn’t feel like talking. All he wanted to do was go to bed and forget about Hayden Laurence and that damn card she had sent.

            She was getting married. What more was there to say? His mother was right. He couldn’t go back and change the sins of his past.

Continued