The Title-less Memoir of a Small Time Medical Doctor Picked Off The Highway
By Emeka Okpara (Nigeria)
This memoir was written in prescription-type writing. It took the entire carefulness one could muster to transcribe it, as it were, to this legible read. I titled it "The World Is A Kettle", and put my own comments in block brackets_ the rest are as contained in the memoir.
"Pastor Mike sent his beautiful wife, Stella, away. That's the story making the rounds now. He of all people couldn't live with a murderer. According to the reporter of a national daily who has been on his case, he's forgiven her but the spirit (of God) in him consistently rejects her. Each time he stood on the altar to share the word of God, since after the embarrassing discovery, it's like a weight was upon him which he couldn't rationalize away. It limited the move of the spirit and consequently the people of God were not blessed.
"He's well aware of the biblical position on grounds for divorce, and he has no reservations whatsoever about that. But he feels strongly he needs to commune with God in the now and learn what step to take... [a complete sentence here could not be 'transcribed']. And so the celebrity pastor of a fast growing church confirmed to the pretty reporter that the stories making the round about his marriage were true.
“I’ve often thought I've met Pastor Mike's wife somewhere. Each time I saw her host her pet program, Single & Serious, on television, her pretty face rings a bell. I must have known her from somewhere I cannot place right now. Two years ago when I came face-to-face with her the day my wife literally dragged me to pastor Mike's office for prayers concerning the series of challenges we were having then at the clinic, I almost asked her whether we'd met before.
"I searched her eyes for any sign of recognition when she looked at me, but if she did remember me, she didn't show it.
“Just this very month [The memoir was dated 14th August, 2016], the reality has laid itself bare to my understanding. A friend of mine, who seeks to justify his notorious sexual promiscuity by being a well-researched church critic, posted a link on Facebook that sent the first ray of realization to my cognition. I'm sure my good friend would never guess I worked in the unnamed clinic where Stella reportedly aborted her unwanted pregnancy while she was a student in the University. I don't intend to ever bring it to his knowledge. Much as it excites me, I would not be a party to his lynch on the church of Christ.
"Several years ago, an anxious young lady came to the clinic with her boyfriend. They were both varsity students, and they needed to terminate her pregnancy of about six weeks gestation. When I and my colleague couldn't talk them out of it, we decided to oblarge them lest them patronize quacks. As a matter of policy, we used their real names (as contained in their student ID cards), but reassured them of our sworn confidentiality. After the procedure, I personally counselled them for I was adjudged best at that in the entire clinic. I gave the young lady a two week appointment, but we never saw her again or so I thought. Well, it appears that in point of fact, I've been seeing Stella in the past few years on television but I admit I wasn't keen enough to match the personality she exudes currently with the bewildered young lady that was once our patient. Looking at her smiley picture on the webpage, I couldn't help smiling back at it, thinking: no wonder she has so much insight into relationships as to maintain a growing Single & Serious audience_ she talks from experience!
"Well, it's now obvious we weren't the only people that knew the gynaecological history of the lady that has become Pastor Mike's wife. Her sister knew a lot more than we at the clinic did, and the ambitious model and R&B singer, Sharon, (by the way I love one of her singles_ 'Did you know?'_and I never knew she was related to Pastor Mike's wife until this saga) brought the story to public domain via the internet.
"Apparently, she was not only hot in the skimpy dresses that have come to become her signature; she could also be red hot when she got 'hit below the belt'. Sharon reportedly left the cosy twin duplex in Port Harcourt_ where a handful of eager church members attended to the whims and caprices of her elder sister and Pastor Mike as church 'mama' and 'papa' (in Pentecostal parlance)_ in fury after her sister insinuated that she, Sharon, was making a move on her husband. And so Sharon went to her base in Lagos where her own fan base was larger and decided to wash her sister's dirty linen on the internet.
"She wrote: "I may not be a saint; in fact, I am definitely not one, but I cannot be a hypocrite at the same time like my sister, Stella. Yesterday, Stella lookt me in de eyez en used da same mouth with which she kisst my boyfwend some years ago to ask me to hands off her husband. Hmmm! If you ask me, that was a well ftought out blow below da belt. I kept finking about it in ma flight back to Lasgidi. Well, first but not really the point, I met Mike (now pastor Mike) before Stella. In fact, the first time she set her eyes on Mike was when he came to visit me in the room I shared wif Stella in our off campus Lodge while we're still in school. That was soon after her boyfriend of about 4 years duration ( I'm so pissed I can't even remember his name right now) for whom she terminated a pregnancy (I'm sure pastor doesn't know about this, and I don't want to remotely suggest that that maybe a reason she doesn't have a child for the pastor now) left her. She was distraught and I consciously let Mike cheer her out of da black hole of heart wreck. We never told Mike why she was down. When I caught them making out in our room one hot afternoon as I trudged back from lecture, I stealthily retraced my steps and let them be. At that point, I made up my mind to let my sister have him. I never knew he'd turn out the huge figure he's in Port Harcourt today, but I cross my heart, I've never regretted bequeathing him as it were to her. I ain't competing wif Stella. We are not on the same lane. I mean, I gave her a life! Yes, her husband has been calling my phone a little more often recently, but that's because he thinks I should do this born again thing and come to join their church choir. Stella herself has told me about that too. And not like I fink Mike's concerns are not genuine, but how on earth should I be da one Stella of all people is lecturing?"
"My funny friend shared another link a few days after, when juicier details have emerged. It was put forward by same reporter that makes her hair into ponytail. Again, I would never tell my friend how his personal doctor was again a part of the story.
"Another young lady, Bumni Adoke, the small time owner of a hairdressing salon in Lagos granted the Sun Newspaper an exclusive interview. She started by saying that pastor Mike was the greatest hipocrite there was on earth. She insisted that the vibrant young pastor should be the last person on earth to reject a woman because she had an abortion in the past because he, Mike, pressured her into having one in 2006 in Port Harcourt. She'd reportedly gotten pregnant for him after two years of sex-laden dating. She'd wanted to keep the baby even though she'd realized he never planned to marry her in the first place, but he went as far as threatening her life.
"I almost dismissed Bumni as a sympathetic feminist or a stooge hired to splash more mud on the man of God. That was before I looked at her picture more closely. I quickly checked our records for Bumni Adoke, 2006. I found only one folder that matched the name. The folder was...[the f-word used here could not be deciphered]... implying that she saw us only a few times. Well, we did a D and C for her at 10weeks gestation. An ultrasound scan showed two gestational sacs.
“Sitting right there at our medical records room with the folder between my fingers. I realized it was not deja vu: I'd met Mike before. His enthralling impeccable English which he so masterly puts on display in his weekly gospel television program wasn't a new development. He'd always had a very good command of the language. I remember he came with Bumni to the clinic twice and he made an impression on a short auxiliary nurse that was with us then. She kept talking about 'that man that speaks like an English master who came with his girlfriend for D and C.' my fear is that Mike didn't have as good a command of his phallus.
“So, both pastor Mike and his wife, Stella, had been variously involved in an abortion some time ago. And in the same clinic, my very own clinic. I hope they would let the old things pass away like I've done, and continue their fledgling ministry. Meanwhile, I would cross my fingers and see how this drama plays out. I have a feeling it has not even reached its climax yet. This world is really a kettle."