Bush Secures 'Local Control' 

By Corben Harper
The Dissociative Press

WASHINGTON - NBC viewer polls indicate that 86% of Americans approve of the president’s latest measures to turn control of the nations school districts back over to local communities. 

Employ America 2001

Bush’s earliest initiative, Employ America 2001, allowed school boards to sell their facilities to the highest local commercial bidder. Since then, companies like Walmart and Mcdonalds have experienced radical expansions as they've absorbed thousands of school districts and watched their stocks skyrocket while Wall Street continues to speculate about the unprecedented economic influence this program has given to big franchises. 

“Now, more than ever, graduating seniors can rest easy about their future employment,” says Walmart Vice President, Dick N. Meover. Walmart currently educates and employs over 15% of the nation’s adult population. “Our share of the workforce is even bigger than that if you also count the 7-10 year-olds,” boasts Meover. 
He points out that, prior to Employ America 2001, high school graduates had to actually be GOOD at something in order to get a job. “Not any more,” says 
Meover, smiling, “Now all they have to do is come

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assemble disposable junk for our 500,000 store locations nationwide. ’That’s WALMART!  Where we give you the training that lands you the job that gets you the money that buys you the stuff that you make yourself…..All Day Long!!’. That’s our new motto starting this holiday season. Good, huh?”

Critics Complain

“This isn’t exactly what we had in mind when we first started lobbying for decentralization,” said
deceased activist Beth Miller at a Detroit rally just hours before her Ford Lemonwagon exploded in the parking lot killing 4 and injuring 7. “We should all be left wondering why it is that only 5 corporations now directly control virtually every aspect of our lives. And when’s the last time you’ve seen your kids or had a decent hamburger?” 

Miller was reportedly seen by unnamed sources having dinner with friends of possible relatives of suspected drug dealers the night before and is known to have had a history of mental illness while growing up with her parents (against a Walt Disney psychiatrist’s advice) in Podunk, VA.

Critics of Bush’s education reform policies have argued that the quality of goods and services have sunken to an all time low since the beginning of his first term in office, but industry think-tanks have been quick to correct them by pointing out the increased employment that directly results from shoddy merchandise.

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“If we built TV’s that lasted more than 30 days, there’d be no need to build new ones every month,” explains an exasperated Donald Assbackwards, President of Motorola’s Entertainment Division. “What would you have Motorola DO then?  Cut 13 million of its TV manufacturing jobs? Close down  28,000 of our locally controlled schools?  If it weren’t for the brilliance of planned obsolescence, you’d have over 80% unemployment and school truancy of biblical proportions. Good god, people, THINK!” 

Latest Reform Measures

Bush’s latest measures include a proposed bill that would make automobile, cell phone, stereo, vacuum cleaner, and television ownership mandatory for all people seeking economic assistance from the government.  “This will help to further stimulate growth in the private sector and encourage our human resource material [kids] to stay in locally controlled schools where they can learn the valuable skills required in today’s workplace,” announced bush in last weeks State of The Corporate Union address. Later, when asked why blenders, food processors, stoves, and cuttlery would not be included in this mandate, Bush rolled his eyes and gestured toward the McDonalds’s golden arches emblem on the revised US flag, “There are plenty of decent restaurants to eat at. What are you, a communist?”

 ********                          Ford!                          ********
 ********               Ya Gotta Have One             ******** 
 ********                    .....Literally                     ******** 


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