by Corben Harper

The Department of Health and Human Services has issued a public warning this week regarding a new strain of contagious, air-borne pathogens known amongst medical researchers as Lucid and Intentionally Erroneous Statements (LIES). Symptoms include grossly distorted views of local, national and world events; depleted intuitive abilities; and an irrational hatred of trees, water, air, and fine cuisine. The press has coined the term “liars” to refer to people in advanced stages of this illness usually marked by an insatiable desire to infect others through public speaking engagements.

The LIES virus is believed to have been circulating through televised and printed news media for an indeterminate amount of time and is known to have infected significant portions of the US population and the US government but was only recently discovered by the CDC when renegade scientists there began implementing a radical new research technique called Truth Seeking*. 

Speculations abound over the true origin of LIES, but, say analysts, the general consensus is that LIES spontaneously materialized in the White House Oval Office sometime during Bill Clinton’s administration in the late 20th century. Radical fringe groups, like the Democratic Party, believe that it has been around much longer than that, but say that they are hesitant to push the issue further until more studies can be done to substantiate their claim. 

Meanwhile, hysteria has swept the nation as millions of angry and confused citizens grasp desperately for a sense of reality. State and federal agencies are being besieged with public inquiries regarding everything from our involvement in War World I  to the “REAL name” of the president’s dog, Muffy. 

“We’ve had ordinary people storming into our offices demanding to know how we spent eight trillion dollars last year when there’s less than one trillion in print,” said a trembling Sarah Buckpasser, a Treasury Department clerk. “I’ve even had a Wall Street stockbroker point a gun at my head and demand to see Alan Greenspan while frantically insisting that no such person really existed! All I could do was admit that the name ‘Greenspan’ was a little suspicious.” 

Under the President’s orders, Secretary of Interior, Al Liemyassoff is holding 

Today marks the 13th annual symposium on Civil Rights Prevention. All personnel with a security clearance of blue or higher are invited to attend. Provocateur classes, despite last year’s objections, will be held in the LEFT WING of the Prescott Bush Convention Center. Seminars will include the following:

Skin Head Recruitment and Organization Revisited

Right wing radicalism has done wonders for fracturing the US working class into more manageable and ineffectual subgroups. In this seminar, course participants will be lead in a role playing simulation where they’ll take turns trying to convince each other that blacks and Hispanics own everything, that War World II never happened, and that Hitler died for their sins– a challenging and amusing experience for all.

Sodium Pentathol: Truth Without Torture

Tired of your civilian captives passing out during routine interrogations?

Is all the blood and screaming starting to get on your nerves? 

As pain inducing equipment becomes more bulky and expensive, pharmaceutical alternatives are once again becoming popular. Dr.
Roger Sholtz, a leading truth syrum specialist, has spearheaded the development of a new line of sodium pentathol derivatives now available in a delightful assortment of colors and aromatherapy scents. Participant will be instructed in selection and administration. Now you can relax to the gentle fragrances of Patouli Persuasion or Facts & Frankincense while your hostages

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LIES, continued

emergency meetings with the CDC and FEMA to establish quarantine protocols for American citizens in each region. “This is strictly in the interests and safety of those under two years of age who have so far proven to be immune to LIES, but we can’t afford to take any chances,” said Liemyassoff. “In no way, shape, or form is this an attempt to establish martial law or initiate the controlled breeding of a nazi super race of pro-nationalist factory workers for the establishment of a future police state,” he insisted. 

Freedom: Its Causes and Cures

What makes someone want to be “free”? Veteran CIA operative, Will Catchum, will take an in-depth look at the genetic and environmental defects responsible for independent thought and autonomy. There will be a short break for coffee and doughnuts then class will resume with a breakdown of the latest remedial therapies for victims of excessive personal liberty. A brief question and answer period will follow.

Effective Riot 
Mimicking 

Blowing your cover in an urban melee has negative ramifications for us all.

Overdressing for the part or over zealous vandalism can raise suspicions from all corners of the civil rights movement.

Let black ops fashion consultant, Liz Cartwright, show you what works best for attire, hair style, and general disobedience in the street.

Genocide: Art or Science?

Secretly killing off large portions of an entire civilization is a complex and time consuming process. Importing cocaine and other illicit substances into urban communities has been a steady cash cow for expensive international black-ops in South and Central America, but has it really kept the n----- population of the United States at acceptable levels? Will the mass aerial spraying of selectively lethal chemical agents over US population centers hit their intended targets? And how long can we keep the public duped into believing that their sky has ALWAYS been overcast with harmless commercial jet contrails? Professor Ingvey Auchtwitz, in return for his 55 year, post World War II asylum in the US, has volunteered to lend us his expert opinion on these matters and to suggest strategic models for future population control.

Seig Heil!!

LIES, continued

Pandemonium broke out at an impromptu press conference this afternoon when picketers from a nearby quarantine protest asked President Bush JR. XII if he himself was a liar.. “No,” Bush responded calmly. ”Next question please.”