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Spring of New York
By Tanya Visutski
Click here if you'd like to exchange critiques
" All Sorrows Can Be Borne
If You Tell A Story About Them."
Karen Blixen
Chapter One
He felt sad as he boarded the plane on the wet April morning. He had felt gloomy to start off with
and the cold rain glistened his hair and streamed down his cheeks mixed with the tears that were so long
Fought. He knew entirely that this was the best thing to do, for him, for his own happiness, for his own
sanity. It was 8:00 am and not many people were around. Everything around him seemed so hazy, so
Dreamlike. He sat on the plane and pondered over everything that was happening so fast. He was leaving
Behind everything he had ever loved or grown to love. The previous night he was packing his things and
Questioning if this was what he wanted, if it was everything it appeared to be. In the past 5 years he had
studied acting and took it as a college course as well, not soon after he came to the realization that it was
everything he had ever hoped to be. He was leaving a small town and going out to the big city trying to
make it, trying to survive and accomplish everything he had ever been strong enough to dream of. Many
people were envious of him because he had so much direction in his life and he had known for so long,
What he wanted to do with the rest of his life and knew the person he was
and that he had hoped to become, much sooner than anyone else had.
He and his girlfriend had spent their last night together the previous week; and they were both feeling the
worst heartache they had ever experienced or known to be possible. There was a physical aching inside
their chests as they had kissed their last goodbyes.
He sat on the plane listening to the rain against the window, closing his eyes every now and then
to try and go back to when everything was okay, when there were no worries about the future, when the
topic of New York had come up, all that was said was "we'll cross that road when we get there". Now we're
there the future is here and now, it's time to cross that road. A tear stung his eyes as he blinked it away and
stared out the window. He remembered the way she looked their last night. The way she held his hand full
of emotion begged him not to go and put it on her heart as she always had and told him to "feel". He pulled
his hand away as fast as she had put it there and felt his own heart shatter. He need not put his hand
anywhere to feel what she was. In the time that they had been together, he had grown so close to her that he
had felt everything she had at the very moment her heart, mind and soul had created it. He
thought about her one more time before he drifted off to sleep and then nothing but her filled his dreams.
Chapter Two
As she lay there restlessly, she sat up in her bed once again, unable to sleep, she thought about
him as she had been doing a lot of in the past week. She sat there listening to the rain dancing on the roof
above her and wondered what he was thinking about right now. At that very moment she had never felt
more alone in her life.
She began remembering all the great things they had done and experienced together throughout the year they
had been a couple. She smiled to herself when she thought about the way he had always smelled, and it
seemed so long ago that she had felt his arms embraced around her and his lips pursed against hers. She
remembered how there had once been a time when she was included in his future, a time when they never
thought they would be separated, that they'd always be together. She had been willing to make every
sacrifice in the world she may have had to do to be with him only because nothing seemed important in her
life anymore, only that he'd be there to stand and walk with her through a future they would create together.
As she thought about it, she felt the familiar pain of her heart instantaneously breaking in pieces and the
feeling of hollowness. Her stomach turned in a rollercoaster of butterflies as she let out a loud cry feeling like
the world was non-existent and he wasn't there to take away those feelings to make sure that the world
wouldn't hurt her anymore. Had she known how to turn her pain into something he always had and that he
was so good at then she would, but he was her world, her everything and she knew of nothing different.
He jumped high in his sleep and woke quickly, once again with tear stained cheeks. He put his
head back and asked himself if all of this was worth it. What else in life was there that was worth
it if he didn't have her by his side every step of the way. He shook the idea quickly out of his
head and scolded himself for thinking any girl, no matter how great she may be, would come in the way
and be worth not doing everything he had hoped to do. Dreams are more important and he had already
gotten this far. It wasn't long before they landed in New York and he took a deep breath once again hoping
and praying that he had made the right decision. Things looked a little brighter in New York and the
buildings and traffic overwhelmed him. He had been there once before not long ago, but it was a whole
new concept knowing he was on his own and this was it. This was what he had lived for. This was his
dream that had so fast become reality. He got off the plane and looked around him at the smog and dozens
of people around him. He walked down the street past a coffee shop and the aroma awakened his spirit and
brought him back to the real world. He had 2 hours before his audition and decided to go in and go over his
lines and exercise his voice over a hot cup of chocolate coffee. His New York favorite.
He seated himself in a small booth opposite the window and
felt nervousness build up inside him, knowing all too well that he needed her with him.
The time came and went and soon after the audition was done and he had failed miserably. He
never knew till now how important it is to have someone there to encourage you, that actually loves you
and cares whether you make it out there or not. The saying that you've don't know what you've got till it's
gone took on a whole new meaning today.
Chapter Four
When she woke on the couch with the TV on at 1:00 in the afternoon, she was thankful for the
three hours of sleep she did get that night. When she finally got up and looked in the mirror, her swollen
eyes were very apparent. She took a deep breath to prepare herself for the day ahead of her. It seemed like
all her life consisted of lately was heartache after heartache. She always was thankful for the little sleep
been getting, but the days were so repetitive and she feared all the ones that awaited her. So many
more things could have developed and their relationship could have blossomed more beautifully than it
He woke that crisp cool morning experiencing all the same feelings he had allowed to be a part of
his life over the past couple weeks and went out of his apartment to go out on the town, see New York and
get his soulmate out of his mind and thinking. He had recieved a call earlier in the day that he had an
audition for a two year sitcom show which was everything he had worked towards.
He walked along the sidewalk thinking about his future and what it could hold for him, and what
part his "lost lover" played in it. He worried about his audition he had tomorrow, but put it out of his head
and thought about other things less stressful. He watched people in New York and imagined what it will be
like to live here, be a true citizen of New York City. He arrived home that night with a take out pizza and a
handful of movies, one of which was a favorite of hers, that he had always watched when he'd been missing
her. As he unlocked the door, his new kitten 'Fred', rolled up beside his leg and pressed against it, as means
of affection. He hadn't ever really been fond of the company of a cat, but now that he was on his own, it
was comforting to have 'something' to come home to. The red button on his answering machine blinked and
he hit it while feeding Fred. Two hang ups one wrong number. The machine moved on to message four
and he heard her voice. Through whimpers, she said that he had missed him and realized how important he
was to her and that he played a very big role in her life. Love was more important than everything, The
softness in her voice comforted him, as it always had and made him feel not so distant from her. The
sadness of her voice broke his heart all over again and made him want to pack up all his things and leave
for home, just to see her, hold her, feel her breath on his cheek when she whispered those little comments
that made his heart flutter. He picked up the phone and attempted to dial her number but quickly hung up,
deciding it wasn't a very good idea after all. He was afraid that maybe it would just cause more grief,
troubles and pain for the both of them. He finished his takeout pizza and layed on the couch rehearsing his
lines once again for the audition he was all too nervous about. It was a deja vu of his previous audition that
he had incredibly messed up on. He knew that if he ever intended on succeeding that this was the perfect
opportunity to do just that, if he landed this part, he'd have made it. He finished the last bite of his supper
and soon after felt his eyes getting heavier so made his way to bed and before he fell asleep, she was once
again the last thing on his mind.
The sound of pure silence was nothing but disturbing as she lay in bed to end another day. She
looked at his empty side of the bed and found herself once again, wishing he were there. She had
experienced another down moment during the day and put all of her strength into calling him, only to find
herself talking to his machine. Through her tears she explained her reasoning for calling, and then hung up.
It was 2:00 am and he still hadn't called so she only assumed the worst and the obvious. Things were over.
Feelings change, people change and things in life don't always go your way. Hardly ever.
Chapter Five
He woke with the sun shining brightly in his eyes, groaned and turned over to his other side. It was
the day of his second audition and he was feeling pretty positive about it. He got up still feeling a little bit
drowsy, but decided it would probably wake him up to get up quick, eat and get an early start on the day.
Once again, he was feeling pretty mellow about everything. He had thought about her all too often since
he had left. As much as he knew it was right in him following his dreams, he had just as much doubt about
it. He had been also thinking about the sound of her voice on the machine and how much his leaving had
affected her. He had never known until recently that everything she felt and said were real. He remembered
vaguely all the times she had told him just how strongly she had felt, and he had never trusted her enough
to fully give her his heart, nor had he admitted he felt that way. His mind snapped back to present times just
when he was starting to feel that closeness of her once again. He glanced out the window, only to see the
sun shining brightly and a red bird perched on his balcony. First time in history - a bird seen in the heart of
New York City. He smiled at the thought and realized it had been the first time in weeks, and at that very
moment, that very second, he had a feeling that everything was going to be okay.
However, a few hours away she was feeling 100% different about the whole situation. She woke
again, with swollen eyes and a throbbing heartache. She hadn't felt anything other than that since he had
left. Her feet touched the hard cold floor and another time she was reminded of the loneliness her life now
held the barrier of. She stretched and took a deep breath, again, wanting to avoid the day that had awaited
her. The sun was shining but rather than brightening her mood as it always had, it brought her down. It was
just another innocent reminder that she was alone and nobody cared. Either way the world would go on.
After grabbing a banana, she thought about calling him again but felt to nervous and
flustered to do so. It was a whole new light and perception about things, how quick someone you knew so
well and loved for so long, had in very little time became like a stranger than you never met. The thought
made her nauseous. Her whole life had been thrown away. She thought about his smile and how happy he
always seemed to be, even in their weakest moments. He was the one who truly kept the faith; he had been
the true basis, the true foundation of their new founded relationship.
As he prepared for the audition he tried to overcome his so familiar nervousness. He felt himself
perspiring and his breath getting short.
He took a deep breath and took one last look at his hair and walked out the door. When
he arrived at the audition, he saw many people who were calm, relaxed and simply overlooking their lines.
They all looked so professional, and he couldn't help but feel like an amateur. He was sweaty, overly
nervous and shaky just by the sight of the people around him. He waited as they went through the list and
almost everyone was called in. He was asked to read his own lines and then they would be giving him a
reading to do. He finished soon after and they told him they'd let him know. Under any circumstances they
didn't sound too overly impressed. He had felt the audition went well, but was glad it was over. He could
get back to his own way of thinking. Which even scared him a bit. Acting always seemed to take away the
pressures of everyday life.
She went about her daily chores, still fighting through tears that have caused her so much anguish recently.
She sat on the couch, late afternoon looking through old photos of their times together. She laughed at
some of them and cried at the others. Lately she had been experiencing so much grief she wasn’t even sure
how to deal with it anymore. As she sat there she glanced over at the phone and decided on trying to call
her one more time. She listened and listened to the ringing of the phone and was ready to hang up when she
heard his voice. She took a deep breath and it felt like the silence was eternity. The familiar feeling of tears
filling her eyes returned as she spoke his name. Their conversation carried on normally as though there was
nothing going on, nor had anybody felt the need to talk about what was going on. They talked about what
had happened in their lives recently, and he discussed both auditions with her and told her that he had still
been waiting to hear back from them. She felt the comfort of his voice ease her broken heart slowly and felt
like everything was okay, that they'd been starting over. All her troubled thoughts and emotions no longer
held their existence in her life. She smiled to herself and knew it was time to move on with her life. The
past would no longer affect the present, nor would it stand in the way of the future. They hung up a few
minutes later and she walked outside, sat on the porch and watched the bird's fly around with such freedom,
such carefree spirits. She closed her eyes, breathed in all of the world around her and wondered what it
offered her. Maybe, she thought to herself, this was the road, the beginning of healing.
He hung up the phone and sat there, everything around him silent. He recapped over all her words,
and felt his eyes stinging over the sound of her voice. Feeling her pain, as he always had. He
wondered if things would ever be normal again, or the way he wanted them to be. If he
would ever regain control over who would take ownership to his heart. He was disturbed from his thoughts
by the sound of the phone ringing. He wondered if it would be her again, and as he made his way to the
phone his heart started beating like a racehorse running down the track. He cleared his throat and answered.
On the other line was an unfamiliar voice that asked for him. He learned that this man was in control of the
audition he had participated in and that he had gotten the part. They asked him to come down to the studio
tomorrow morning to sign the papers for his two-year contract. He was unaware of his pacing and biting of
his knuckles to prevent screaming. He hung up the phone, grabbed Fred, whom looked terrified by the
whole scenario that had just occurred, and danced with him not ever experiencing such joy in his life. He
sat down, took a deep breath and thought about calling her to let her know the good news. The good news.
It was good news right? For him, this meant he would be in New York for at least two years. After he
signed the paper, which meant he was signing his whole future away. But this was what he had wanted, and
regardless what was going on right now, he couldn't help but be overjoyed and happy at that very moment.
So, what do you do after you know all your dreams have come true?
She woke that morning still feeling good but was on the sad side again. She opened the curtains to
her darkened room and stretched with a cry that sounded like a little kitten's purr. She recalled her
conversation with him last night and regained back that emptiness that she had dreaded for so long and was
somewhat disappointed that he hadn't mentioned anything about them, as the couple they were. She put a
couple of slices of bread in the toaster and turned on the coffee machine. While sitting at her kitchen table
she heard the phone ringing and thinking it was probably one of her friends or parents, she was surprised to
hear his voice. He had said that in two hours he was going down to the studio to sign the two-year contract,
he had for so long dreamed about. She felt her heart sink, it almost seemed as if she was losing him all over
again. She hadn't known what to do at that moment but cry. She even let him hear her this time.
She hung up the phone without saying goodbye, feeling unable to even speak anymore. She screamed
loudly throughout tears and wondered how someone could say one thing, yet do another.
She screamed and picked up plates throwing them hard against the wall as they shattered and fell to the
floor.
She put her head in her hands and collapsed to the ground.
She felt like everything was over, she had nothing else to live for.
Her mind was spinning and her eyes fixed on a bottle of Tylenol #3 that’s she had received from
her doctor in the past. Her eyes dried as she opened the bottle, got a glass of water and swallowed
the first pill. She closed her eyes and dropped the bottle. All the pills scattered themselves
around the kitchen floor. She began getting an intense pain in her temples and once again, felt
the warm liquid fill her eyes, She walked to her room feeling spaced and unaware of everything and
anything that was going on around her. She collapsed on her bed and minutes later fell into a deep sleep.
Chapter Six
He hung up the phone with her and felt nauseated. He put his head on the table and thought about
nothing but her , he thought about all the joy and happiness he experienced when he was with her and the
less of a person and emptiness he experienced when he was not.
He showered still feeling an excruciating pain in both his head and chest.
He put on one of his best outfits and got ready to leave for the studio. He looked at
his apartment one last time and closed the door behind him. The studio was only 15 minutes driving time so
he arrived there in no time. He walked in feeling confident about himself, yet flustered. He was asked to
come into a large room with glass walls. The contract was before his very eyes and with one hand
squeezing the arm of the chair and the other holding a blue pen, all three men
stared at his concentrated look and waited. He put his pen to the paper and dropped it. "I'm sorry, I can't do
this" he spoke firmly, and walked out . He walked out having more pride in himself than
he'd probably ever have had if he had signed it. He drove home, smiling and whistling. When he got to his
apartment, he quickly grabbed the mere necessities as well as Fred and walked back out the door. He knew
what his fate was, and he was ready to hit that head on.
She woke at 2:00 PM feeling rested; yet still hurting. She walked as though she was a zombie and
turned on the water to take a cool shower. She undressed herself thinking about how he had probably
finished signing the contract by now and finally accomplished his dream. That she was so distant from. She
washed her hair and body and stood there for awhile just thinking and feeling the cool water pelt against
Her back. She turned off the water and put a towel around her now wet, body. She opened the door and
there he was. She felt her heart beat faster, and as he looked at her, his eyes filled with tears as he wrapped
his arms around her. The tears at this time, were a whole different feeling than what they had been. The
feeling of being in the arms of your soulmate after being separated was indescribable for them both.
Neither could say a word, neither could move, they just stood there holding one another, embraced in a love
they had known so well. It felt like they had both been given a second chance at life, and neither knew of a
love to be as true as it was on that day. Maybe dreams should not be given up for your loved one, maybe
they should, no one will ever know, till being in the situation, and as they joined their hands they had both
realized that this was everything they had really wanted out of life, everything else was simply minorities.
Nothing would ever be meaningful unless you have that one person to share your world with, your life,
your everything.
~If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, it was never meant to be~
9/2001
