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Techniques: Say it Once, Say it Right
by Sandy Tritt
http://tritt.wirefire.com
Let’s
face it. We’re writers because we love words. We love the way they sound
and we love the way they roll off our tongues. We love to string them
together and give meaning to our existence through them. Words are our
babies. And one of the toughest things we must do as professional writers
is to weed through these babies we’ve created and eliminate those that
don’t pull their own weight. Yes, we are talking infanticide here.
Killing our babies.
Redundancy is one of the carnal sins of writers. We don’t trust
our words to do their job. We don’t trust our reader to catch our
meaning the first time. So we repeat ourselves. Unfortunately, any word
that doesn’t add to a story, detracts.
Now, before you slam this book shut on me, let me offer an
alternative. For large groups of words that I just don’t have the heart
to kill, I keep a file on my hard drive titled “Babies.” Whenever I
write (what I consider) beautiful prose that just doesn’t fit my story,
I cut it from my manuscript and move it to my “Babies” file. That way,
I don’t feel like a murderer.
But for those little redundancies, the little repetitions (like in
this sentence), the best alternative is death. Let’s take a look at an
example:
Shelly
sat cross-legged on the over-sized sofa. Her life was about to change. She
peeked inside the envelope. The letter in the envelope was neatly folded.
She took the letter out of the envelope and opened it. She was afraid of
what it would say. She was scared that Larry was giving her the brush-off.
Her trembling hands held the paper open. With great trepidation, she read
the words that would change her life forever. She would never be the same
again.
Okay, redundancy irritates us. Did the writer think we were so
bored we had nothing better to do than read the same thought over again?
Or did the writer just think we were too stupid to catch on to what was
happening? My guess is that the writer was trying to slow down the pacing
and became lazy.
Regardless of the reason, we, as writers, don’t want to irritate
our readers. Therefore, we need to use care in choosing words that best
say what we need to say, and then say those words once. We gotta trust our
words to do their job and we gotta trust our reader to do his. So, let’s
revisit Shelly’s letter and see what we can do with it:
Shelly
sat cross-legged on the over-sized sofa and peeked inside the envelope.
She removed the neatly folded letter and opened it. Her hands trembled as
she read the words that would change her life forever.
Well—it’s better, but we can see the need to slow the pacing.
To do that, we can add one of the following to the paragraph:
·
“She wiped her palms on the shirt Larry had given her.”
·
Something to give the depth of her feelings: “She wouldn’t be
able to bear life without Larry.”
·
The use of other senses: “The letter smelled of Old Spice. Shelly
took a deep whiff and imagined Larry sitting next to her, holding her
hand, rubbing her knuckles, bringing her fingers to his lips for a soft
kiss.”
See Pacing previously in this section for more ideas on controlling
the pacing.
Redundancy can also come in the form of a single word or phrase.
For example, “free gift” or “sum total.” Entire websites are
devoted to naming and eliminating these little nuisances.
Some writers repeat ideas in a list, such as,
“She was tired, worn out, and exhausted.” Okay. Wouldn’t just
saying she was exhausted serve the purpose? Better, say it more creatively
and actively, like, “Exhaustion hung to her like possums to their mama.” (just
kidding!)
Be aware of repetition in your writing. Crisp prose has no room for
it. So, the next time you feel like a redundancy, repeat this to yourself
ten times:
Any
word that doesn’t add to your prose, detracts from it.
Any
word that doesn’t add to your prose, detracts from it.
Any
word that doesn’t add to your prose, detracts from it.
Any
word that doesn’t add to your prose, detracts from it.
Any
word that doesn’t add to your prose, detracts from it.
Any
word that doesn’t add to your prose, detracts from it.
Any
word that doesn’t add to your prose, detracts from it.
Any
word that doesn’t add to your prose, detracts from it.
Any
word that doesn’t add to your prose, detracts from it.
Any word that doesn’t add
to your prose, detracts from it.
Exercise: Say it Once, Say it Right
Give
your hand a try at eliminating these redundancies (see Section 6 for possible solutions):
1.
Janie had a tiny little hand.
2.
Wilbur ate quickly, in a hurry, and rushed through dinner.
3.
Jacqueline looked at the old antique and quietly whispered to the neighbor
next to her.
4.
“I don’t wanna go home!” she whined.
5.
“Don’t touch me,” she warned.
6.
There was three seconds left on the clock. The arena was quiet, totally
silent. Not a sound was heard anywhere. No one shouted. No one breathed.
No one moved. Michael stood on the court and posed, then raised his arms
and aimed the basketball at the net. He shot the basketball. It left his
hands and in slow motion, it lifted into the weightless air, then silently
slid through the net without so much as a swoosh. The quiet crowd exploded
with cheers, catcalls, applause, clapping and screaming. With less than a
single second left on the time clock, the Lakers stole the lead. They won.
They had done it. (Hint: my solution to this one might surprise you)
(from Section 4, Workbook)
Want more great tips and techniques? Our
Inspiration for Writers
Tips and Techniques Workbook is now available. Expanded tips, more
topics, reproducible worksheets, exercises to practice what you learn and
much more--check it out! Free shipping anywhere in the United States.
(c) copyright 2002 by Sandy Tritt. All rights reserved,
except for those listed here. September be reproduced for educational purposes
(such as for writer's workshops), as long as this copyright notice and the url: http://tritt.wirefire.com are distributed with the pages. For use in
conferences or other uses not mentioned here, please contact Sandy Tritt
at tritt@wvadventures.net
for permission and additional resources at no or limited charge.
Keep writing!
Sandy
Tritt
Inspiration
for Writers
tritt@wvadventures.net
Go Back in Time!...
Check out
our new all - immersion Life of Jesus (Part 1) from David C. Cook
III. You'll become a true believer. Visit...
Religion
Category
AuthorMe.com
is dedicated to the memory of David C. Cook III.
From Paul the Apostle...
Chosen
Instrument
By Kurt Schuller
Another
inspired work recreating
Bible times.
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Growing Up in the
Twelve Tribes Cult
by Melissa
Melissa has asked to share this
story as a warning - what can happen
if you are trapped in a cult. We share
this as a warning, and an example of
how writing can serve an important
purpose in society.
I wanted to share my story of growing
up in the Twelve Tribes cult. I wanted
to share what it's really like on the
inside.
I went there when I was only six years
old with my mother, brother and my
sister. I didn't have a choice in the
matter for I was only a child as we
all were. Thankfully we all have left
except my mother. I pray every day for
her safety and that one day she will
be strong and leave as well.
Growing up in a cult is very different
from the outside "real world" that I
was also told was evil. I often
wondered why it was so horrible and
what it would be like to leave but as
I grew older I got more courage and
eventually left. I started seeing a
lot of hypocrisy as I got older and
wondered why I was treated different
from the other girls my age.
It was because my mother was single
and they didn’t believe that she was
capable of raising us on her own. This
is something that happens in a cult
with children that have only a single
mother.
I wondered why some of these girls
seemed to have so much and why I never
was able to get anything. I became
very angry and at times I would steal
from others because I felt very
wronged. I was forced to become an
adult at the age of 12 and carried on
a regular duty as the other women in
the house such as cooking or caring
for a mother that had just had a baby.
I would not be allowed to things after
"school" training class with the other
girls, for I had to come home to cook
dinner. I made friends with the
adults, for I related to them and
didn't feel right around my peers. My
mother had no real say so in our
lives.
I lived with other families and was
tossed from house to house. There was
this time that I was put into an empty
room with a pillow and blanket to lie
on and a glass so that I could go down
to the bathroom to get some water. I
was put there with no food all day and
I was told that I would not be let out
until I told the truth about playing
with a doll that I had found. I was
there all day and that night my mother
came in and brought me to my room to
go to bed.
The next day I was again placed in the
empty room until I gave in and told
them I had played with the doll. I was
then paddled on my butt with a paddle
that left welts that later turned to
bruises.
Then there was this time that I was
left with another couple for a week
when I was sixteen because the couple
that I was living with at the time
went out of town. There were two
things that happened in that week,
actually. I had a crush on one of the
single men there and the women had him
come over and pull my pants down and
had him paddle me on my butt to try
and make me not have a crush any more.
I was also paddled for asking one of
the women visitors for a sanitary
napkin because they made their own and
I was paddled for asking her for one.
I remember times when I would be
paddled so much that, when I went to
see my mother, I was covered with
black and blue marks all over my body
and she would rub lotion on me to help
them heal. I had no real childhood and
I was never allowed to go on trips
with others my age because I had
responsibilities in the house, plus I
would take over the others things as
well while they got to go on trips. I
would always pretend to be happy when
inside I felt so much anger.
Then one day I had had enough and I
had taken an over dose of Tylenol
because I wanted to get out of my
pain. I ended up being taken to the
hospital where they pumped my stomach
and I stayed for a weekend. I went
back and that very next day I left and
started a new life for myself. I hope
my story helps others feel free to
contact me for further info. And
that’s what the Twelve Tribes are
really all about.
These are just a couple of my stories
if you would like to know more feel
free to contact me for more info.
Melissa
To contact Melissa, write us at
12tribes@author-me.com and we will
contact her in your behalf.)
Critiquing Special
Critiques by Sandy
Tritt
-
Unlike most editors, I consider my role
to be a mentor or a coach. Instead of just telling you what is wrong, I
explain how to correct the problem, and I work with you to teach you how
to write effective prose. More than 50% of my business is repeat
business, and I relish establishing long-term relationships with other
writers.
-
Treat you with respect and compassion.
All criticism will be of the "constructive" sort. My purpose is to
improve your writing, not to destroy your confidence.
-
Mark your manuscript, correcting
grammatical and spelling errors and suggesting alternative wording where
appropriate, line-by-line.
-
Highlight areas that are especially
well-written, so you will know where your strengths are.
-
Where appropriate, offer suggestions for
plot development, character development or other areas that could be
strengthened.
-
Return a two-to-four page written
analysis of your work. This will include evaluation of: plot, setting,
characterization, dialogue, special effects (flash forwards, flashbacks,
etc.), voice, point of view and any other areas particular to your work.
-
If appropriate, recommend reading or
resources to strengthen your areas of weakness.
-
Answer any questions you have via
email.
-
Provide my telephone number for a
personal follow-up, if you desire.
For Sandy's success stories, see
http://tritt.wirefire.com/Manuscript_Critique.html
Write Sandy at
tritt@wvadventures.net
(See Sandy's article above.)
Read... Move Over Maharishi
By Dee Landerman
An ordinary housewife is catapulted into the unknown. For over twenty-five years with one foot in the other dimension, experiences visions, apparitions, and visits from the divine. As a Christian Intuitive with the ability to see into a person’s spirit, she experienced first hand where the departed go.
She shares her life
openly with you, with the intent to
give answers and direction for you to
find power, peace and acceptance in
your own life. Dee reveals the ‘Heart
Of God’ about organized religion and
today’s churches, sharing God’s
concerns and desires for America and
the world.
Click here for more info...
Visit our sister websites...
http://www.author-me.com/
http://www.AuthorBoard.com/
http://www.AuthorMARK.com/
http://www.cookcom.net/
Publishing New Writers,
February, 2004 (no. 502)
Publisher: Bruce L. Cook, P.O. Box 451, Dundee, IL 60118.
Fax (847) 428-8974.
Submissions /comments cookcomm@gte.net.
Links are
welcome.
To subscribe and/or review our archive of past newsletters, go to
Newslist
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Don't read this!
by Ken Mulholland.
Well hello!
So you've bothered to wander down this far.
Why?
There's nothing here worth bothering about.
O.K.
. . . . . .
Good grief!
Not still hanging around to see what's cooking?
. . . . . .
Alright! That does it!
So far I've said absolutely nothing, and yet you're still here.
Well, what a pathetic way to introduce 'Hooks.'
Here, try saying this backward. 'hooked, bee, oil, well.'
Yes, that's right, it's an old Irish joke, and it has a much ruder
version, something to do with 'beef', but we won't go there or Bruce
Cook will have me flogged, keel-hauled and drawn and quartered.
(Not to mention being banned from Author Me)
Darn! I said 'Not to mention!'
. . . . . .
Anyway...
As I was about to say, the bed was thumping, and why wouldn't it be?
Considering that two men and three women... or was it three men and two
women?
Oh never mind that now, it's only a story about a pyjama party
pillow-fight...maybe.
Oh sorry, did those few words get your attention?
Hooks.
Captain Hook.
Never smile at a crocodile.
Crocodiles!
What a great grabber!
. . . . . .
Alright! If you've made it this far, then let's talk about 'Hooks.'
A 'Hook' is supposed to be what makes a reader want to read further.
(This is what the previous line actually is.)
By all accounts, it's the thing that an article, a story, a novel, a
gang-buster trilogy hangs itself on.
Hooks come in all sizes. (Much like the fishing variety.) They can be
subtle, 'His fingers curled about her lovely neck.' or
threatening, 'his fingers curled about her pulsing throat!'
They can be lollies, 'Andy Pandy ended up, upside down, his head
jammed firmly between Miss Golly's...iron garden gate. (They can
also be quite naughty.)
Hooks, it is my contention, can come along at any point. Not only are
they there to drag you in at a beginning, they can be employed
throughout a writer's work, even to the conclusion. Indeed, I suspect
that one of the better uses of a hook is at the end of a story. That's
where a writer wants a reader to be intrigued to the point where they
must purchase the follow up book.
And of course they are useful at the end of chapters, leaving a reader
hanging. 'She couldn't hold on any longer. Her aching fingers began
to slip...'
Also, there are the cliché hooks: 'Captain we have to surface, or
this man will die!' 'It was a dark and stormy night.' 'Once
upon a time.'
And there are the classic end hooks: 'Louie, this could be the
beginning of a beautiful friendship.' 'Oh, I'll have to think about
that tomorrow.' 'Shane! Shane! Come back Shane!'
Hooks abound in advertising and promotional material, real estate, car
sales, insurance and almost anything you care to consider...Even email.
BEWARE. Never open an email attachment without first checking its
sender. The cost of a phone call can save you. Ring the sender. Or else
face the prospect of losing all your precious writing, correspondence
and research.
Hookers, (No not that kind) Email hookers who want to cause as much
vexation as they can, will offer you hooks to open attachments that will
invade your computer with all kinds of viruses. I have seen at first
hand the devastation such invasions can cause.
"Sure, but I know the sender's name: that's Steve, must be Steve Benson.
I'll open the attachment...you know, only a little way." (Yeah, right,
like being a little bit pregnant!) The temptation is great, just to
click the mouse, after all who'd want to shut you down? It couldn't be a
virus, You've never had one before. You might even wonder what it's
like? It's kind of like seeing a sign on a park bench that says 'Wet
paint.' But is it still wet? Better stick your fingers on to make
sure...Yep, still wet, damn! Only this time it's more than just
turpentine that you'll need.
Be aware always. The Hook that trawls, trawls for thee. Don't be a poor
fish.
O.K. After the sermon, all I have left to say is that there are good
hooks and bad hooks. For writers, the hooks that they attempt to use
will be as useful as they make them. A story, a poem, a novel will have
to stand on its own feet, no matter how good the hook.
The job of the hook is simply to grab the reader, or to hold the reader
somewhere through the work and again, at the end.
I intend, with a single word at the conclusion of 'The
BlackEagle Girls,' to demonstrate exactly what I mean.
Of course the hook is that you will have to read the tale to determine
if the end hook works. Give it a try, you just might get...well, I'll
leave that to you.
And now, you might say, who is this person? By what criterion does he
make these statements? Why should we, the readers of this Newsletter,
take any notice?
I say to you, that I am just as you. I am a writer. It makes no
difference whether I am published, or you are published, I am simply
voicing my thoughts so that you can read. It's called communication. If
you agree, fine. if you don't, make a noise.
The classification is Writer. I write. You write.
Thus, we both do what we have to do.
Write!
By the way, I heard, and let's keep this just between us, that when
Bruce Cook was about ten years old, he got his...
Hmm...Just, don't have enough time left to tell you.
Outta time, and outta here.
(Bruce, you'd better stay tuned...)
Ken
Mulholland
Country
Editor - Australia
AuthorMe.com Group
balloons_210a@optusnet.com.au
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