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By Josh Guarino


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          I don’t know God.  Or Jesus, for that matter—let’s just say I have yet to embrace them as fact rather than well-crafted fiction.  But I’ve read enough of this fiction to make some estimates as to what exactly God is like; outside and inside, depending He’s made according to the same plan as us.

          He’s not big.  I picture God as a small, stocky but not heavy, balding, middle-age man who wears flannel shirts tucked into brown slacks.  I see Him owning reading glasses with a cord that drapes over His neck so He doesn’t lose them.  He lives in a small apartment with just enough room.  His “golden throne” is probably a Barcolounger, and I can imagine Him cooking Hungry Man dinners every night at seven o’clock, assuming He has any use for time or access to Hungry Man dinners.

          God, I think, belongs to a race of supercreatures.  He is probably a lower middle-class supercreature, though.  Chances are he lives vicariously through us.  Example: is there any other way to explain the chaos in the world?  We live in a soap-opera-ish environment.  I can only imagine God gets home from his job as a librarian and sits before the screen of Earth for hours in enjoyment.  I’m sure family members have told Him to get rid of us, that He shouldn’t waste his time and money on something as trivial as our existence when he needs to advance his career in the Dewey Decimal System.

          Imagine that.  We are to them as Sea Monkeys are to us.  We are brine shrimp in their world.  We come in plastic pouches you can buy at the toy store.  God probably buys tornadoes and miracles in little containers with the money he saved from grocery shopping.

          God, due to His size, had the Napoleon Complex way before it was ever thought of here on Earth.  What other way can explain a guy running a world in awe and fear of him?  We are billions of people at his beck and call, while, in real life, He is being taunted and abused by bratty kids at the library every day.

          Some people believe life is nothing more than a giant’s dream and, that when he wakes, we will all just fade away like mist.  Others believe that we are just animals like the mighty elk, only on the planet to hunt, gather, and procreate.  But I believe some higher figure does exist.  And I believe we are in an aquarium in His bedroom.