Can you imagine eating the same breakfast cereal every morning for the rest of your life? I can’t, and fortunately my husband feels the same way. In today’s world of two click, no credit card needed porn, and sex toy sales in the billions, it is easy to see how sexual the human race is. Cereal-oops Serial monogamy is defined as; marry, divorce, repeat (Johnson, 2010). A string of monogamous marriages is the norm for Western society, in the hope that one day “the one” might be found. This is based on the theory that monogamy is proof that the other party loves and wants no one except you. However, not included in this theory is basic mammalian biology.
Humans are not biologically engineered to be monogamous and evolutionary speaking we have not always behaved this way. From the contradictory nature of hormones to the prevalence of infidelity, evidence abounds to the multi partner physical nature of the human. According to (Birkhead, 1996), “Research supports the claim that lifelong sexual monogamy is unnatural and unrealistic.” (pg.84). Research such as the effect of multiple hormones contributing to human sexual behavior. To be more specific with more current data; According to (Ophir et al 2012) Oxytocin has been shown in animals and humans to sustain pair bonds in males and females through its release in the brain during sex, touch, and nearly any positive social reinforcement. Testosterone has been shown to inhibit the oxytocin motivating humans to seek more sexual partners”. In other words our hormones are fighting each other for balance. It is not surprising that infidelity rates are so high, the created social construct contradicts nature. Testosterone is inadvertently increased by everyday activities, just by being in the sun or drinking a glass of milk, Vitamin D is absorbed, pumping you up. REM sleep and resistance training push up testosterone levels as well. Sun, sleep and hard work, sounds like the life of our ancestors. The question of social norms or morality did not direct these people’s lives. Our forefathers led a cooperative purpose driven life, including sharing parenting responsibilities within the community, but sharing partners as well, the purpose to thrive without ownership of people or property. Today, our battle is against what is happening naturally inside our bodies, a fight we have not won with monogamy.
Since the time of ‘The Scarlet Letter’, infidelity has hung over marriage like Al Bundy’s black cloud. According to (Buss, 2000), “It is estimated that roughly 30 to 60% of all married individuals (in the United States) will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage”. Cheating or infidelity is the result of suppressing naturally occurring hormone fluctuations. Scientists like to call it instinct. The social construct of monogamy came with the evolution of society. Land ownership including heir identification became important, and thus the beginning of monogamy, well at least for women. Since this early time of civilized existence, women were expected to always be proper, chaste, and covered up. All the while prostitution and general male promiscuity goes almost rewarded! Today more skin is shown than ever, yet there is no comparable male version of the word ‘slut’. Double standard fidelity has always been.
What if ‘happily ever after’ had a different definition? Is it possible to love one person and copulate with others as well? I believe so, however attempting to explain my lifestyle choice to friends is difficult. Most of the responses consist of “Oh I couldn’t do that” or “I would be too jealous”. These responses coming from women I go dancing with that are extremely sexual with me after a few drinks. Its okay for them, but not for their significant other. What they do not understand is their jealousy is what stands between them and sexual freedom. Not just sexual freedom, but the possibility of a lifetime relationship.
Imagine if you never wondered where your spouse was, if you never got self-conscious when a thinner woman caught his attention. Imagine your spouse not being threatened when you noticed that guy with the ‘guns’. Imagine having the highest confidence in yourself that sharing seemed only natural. Keep in mind that not only are you sharing your partner, but he/she is sharing you too. Opening new experiences and feelings with every encounter, and if your bond is psychologically strong to begin with, you may create a relationship that will grow beyond the average comfortable feeling. Our pre-social construct ancestors followed their instincts; I could only wish to live in such harmony. Why fight what comes naturally if the outcome was greater satisfaction in your relationship, and yourself?
I never thought this level of sexual confidence was possible; the idea of social norms and morality stifled my natural instincts. Now I am not saying that un-natural is bad and natural is good, but that not fighting my instincts is very freeing. Having the confidence to share my partner, and his trust in me is immeasurable. Never feeling jealous is incredible. The level of communication we have is that of a tenured couple. I love him, and feel more appreciation for him every day. Now I am not saying everything is perfect, we are human. Risks including jealousy, aggression, and physical risks do exist. With calculated decisions, not just lusting everywhere, a plan to satisfy natural human needs by crafting your ideal relationship can work. Letting society choose how you live your life reeks of conformity, and can be transcended. I imagine your reaction is of the average monogamy supporter, ‘he is mine and nobody else’s’, but the way I see it, I get to have my cake and eat it too. Any kind of cake I want.
Ophir AG, Gessel A, Zheng DJ, Phelps SM. Horm Behav. (2012)
Pg.445-53. Retrived 20 April 2012, from www.Epub.com
Buss DM. (2000).The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy is as Necessary as Love and Sex. New
York: Free Press; 2000.
Johnson, Eric M. (2010). Sexy Beasts, Seed Magazine,
Retrieved 10 April 2012, from http://www.seedmagazine.com