The Long Road Home

By Jamie Nicole White

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Chapter Four

            Hayden held onto Brian’s arm as if it were her life preserver as they stepped into the immaculate Stratford mansion. They were immediately greeted at the door by butlers who quickly whisked them out of their coats. Brian led Hayden into the den and felt bombarded by all of the strange faces staring back at her. The room had been cleared of all the expensive furniture and priceless family heirlooms and had been replaced with over a hundred close friends of Grant and Evangeline Stratford. They all stopped and stared at Hayden as if she were the intruder at her own engagement party while they embraced Brian and lent their congratulations.

            Hayden spied Evangeline immediately and felt herself shrinking beside of Brian. His mother stood tall and proud in her beautiful silver evening dress that clung neatly to her long lean body. Her slightly graying hair was pulled back in a tight French twist, making her look even more superior and arrogant, if that was at all possible. Hayden tried to paste on her best smile as she watched the notorious patriarch approach them, her artificial grin completely transparent. Evangeline instantly enveloped her son in a warm embrace. Then, the statuesque woman leaned back and stared at Hayden with unguarded scrutiny.

            Hayden felt the urge to fidget under Eve’s blatant inspection. The woman had no reticence as far as her opinion of Hayden was concerned. She could read Eve’s expression and know that she was not at all pleased with her son’s choice in a future bride. However, Hayden refused to allow Eve to add to her discomfort. She would be the better person, no matter how much she returned Eve’s dislike.

            “Thank you for the lovely party, Mrs. Stratford,” Hayden said shyly.

            “You’re welcome. And please, call me Eve,” she returned loud enough for the few friends standing by could hear. “We are going to be family.”

            Hayden could tell by the flat tone of her voice that she was a little less than thrilled with that realization. Yet, as soon as the words had come out of her mouth, Eve encircled her arm in Brian’s and began chatting incessantly, leading him away from Hayden without as much as a protest from him. She glanced around the sea of unfamiliar faces and had never felt so alone in all of her life. Hayden spared the waiter a weak smile as he offered her a champagne flute. She quickly grabbed the champagne and made haste for the terrace.

            Once outside, she regretted her choice in attire. The cold winter night was ripping through her blue satin evening dress causing her to shudder. Still, it was much more chilling inside than it was out. Wrapping her arms around her torso in an attempt to warm herself, she stared out across the bleak night. There wasn’t a single star in the sky, for it was glazed over with clouds that foretold of the oncoming snow.

            Hayden couldn’t help but wonder if she was making the right decision by marrying Brian. If she put the lack of passion aside, there were more reasons not to marry him than to. Brian was a nice guy who would always be loyal and honest. He would treat her like a princess and be a great companion. But she was beginning to realize that perhaps it wasn’t enough. She needed to feel loved. And even though Brian loved her… it wasn’t the kind of love that she desired. Hayden wanted someone who couldn’t live without her and that she couldn’t survive without. She wanted to be with someone whom she couldn’t get enough of… someone that could make her knees weak and her stomach do somersaults. She wanted passion and infatuation. Miranda was right. Why settle for something less?

            It was unfair to think that she would never find love again. It was even more absurd to think that Jake Tucker was the one and only true love she would ever have. There had to be someone out there that could make her world spin again. So was that it? Was her decision already made? Her head kept telling her one thing, but her heart was the one that made the most sense for once. She couldn’t marry Brian. As great as he was, she just didn’t fit into his world.

            It was just so hard to make a decision. She always had a problem making a choice. Perhaps it was that she over analyzed everything more than she should. Or maybe she was just used to everything falling perfectly into place without any real effort. Whatever the case, she was starting to annoy herself with the lack of decisiveness. She had to make a selection and stick with it.

            From behind her, she heard the door open and shut and turned to face the intruder. Grant Stratford smiled as he held out a coat. His silver hair glistened from the lights coming out of the house and his hazel eyes sparkled as he walked over to her and placed the coat gingerly around her shoulders.

            “Thank you,” she said quietly.

            “You’re welcome.”

            They stared at each other in silence for a long moment before Grant finally spoke. “Congratulations on your engagement.”

            “I appreciate that.”

            Grant sniffled as he stared at the gray sky. “It looks like snow.”

            “I was thinking the same thing.”

            “It’s damn cold enough for it. What were you thinking coming out here

without a coat? You’re going to get sick.”

            She smiled. “I’m fine. It’s not all that cold once you get used to it.”

            He simply nodded as he glanced at her sideways. “What are you doing out here instead of inside enjoying your engagement party?”

            Hayden had always thought that she could speak candidly to Brian’s father. “That party in there isn’t for me,” she replied matter-of-factly.

            “I’m sorry about that. Eve gets carried away and seems to forget that the world doesn’t revolve around her.”

            “It’s okay.”

            “No, it isn’t. She should have at least invited your family as well.”

            Hayden shrugged as she pulled the coat around her shoulders tighter. “It’s just as well. My father wouldn’t have been able to come back anyway.”

            “Where is he these days?”

            “He’s been spending a lot of time in Japan.” She pushed a stray tendril out of her eyes, the wind whipping her hair around wildly. “He’s thinking of making it his permanent home.”

            “Have you told him that you’re engaged?”

            “No. I haven’t really been able to get through to him. He’s a very busy man.”

            “That’s a shame, dear. Family is so important. When you have nothing left, they’re the ones that stick by you.” Grant winked at her as he added, “Unless you’re married to Eve.”

            “Can I ask you something?”

            “What’s that, dear?”

            “Are you happy in your marriage?”

            Grant chuckled. “My therapist asked me the same thing.”

            “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be so bold.”

            “It’s alright. You know, Eve has always been this way. I’m just learning to tolerate it a little less now. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I’m getting older and a lot less able to accept that my wife is the way she is.”

            “Why did you get married?”

            “What? You’ve been engaged for barely a week and you’re getting cold feet?”

            “No… it’s just that…” she stammered.

            “I’m kidding.” Grant stared at her thoughtfully for a moment. “I got married because I had to. My father told me that it was the right time to start a family of my own. I chose Eve because she was unlike anyone I had ever met. I thought she was different than the debutantes I was used to being set up with. Unfortunately, her true colors didn’t shine until after we were married. And then, Brian was born and I couldn’t see making him grow up in a broken family.”

            “Did you love her once?”

            “I think I loved the idea of her… the person I had made her out to be in my head.” He was silent for a long moment as he studied her with inquisitive eyes. “What’s with all the questions?”

            “No reason. I was just curious.” Hayden contemplated her next words, trying to carefully phrase her question. “She doesn’t particularly care for me, does she?”

            “She doesn’t like anyone, Hayden. Sometimes, I think she doesn’t even like me. She only keeps me around because I provide her with the lifestyle she has grown accustomed to. Does it matter?”

            “It shouldn’t. But it does.”

            “Don’t worry your pretty little head about my wife. She will learn to accept you. And if she doesn’t, it’s her loss.” Grant wrapped his arm around her in a fatherly embrace before releasing her and striding towards the door. “Hold on a minute,” he said before he darted inside.

            Within a couple of seconds, Grant returned with two fresh flutes of champagne. He handed one to her and held his own up in the air. “I would like to propose a toast. May your life be filled with marital bliss. And may you have lots of love, laughs, and sex… lots and lots of sex.”

            Hayden giggled as she tapped her glass against his. “I’ll drink to that,” she replied as she tipped back the flute and downed the bubbly contents.

            Grant also emptied his glass before he spoke again. “My son is a great man. He will make a wonderful husband and an even better father.”

            “I know. I couldn’t ask for anyone better than Brian.”

            “Don’t disillusion yourself with dreams of grandeur. Marriage is hard work. And even though we’re taught through society’s standards of what makes a marriage, love is only a small part of it. Love really only lasts for a short while. What makes the marriage work is respect and commitment. It’s almost like going into a sound business deal. It takes both partners’ dedication and devotion to make the whole thing last. Brian never enters into anything halfheartedly. And he always follows through with everything he takes on. I hope you feel the same way.”

            Hayden was speechless. She didn’t know what to say to Grant’s subtle inquiry. Luckily he didn’t give her a chance to respond. He simply patted her on the shoulder and said, “Don’t stay out too long and get yourself sick,” before he turned on one foot and went back inside.

            Hayden turned back to the open horizon, stretching her arms across the banister. How she wished that she had Maria there to give her advice! She was no longer a child, yet she still had a difficult time making important decisions for herself. At least if Maria was there, she could tell her how she felt and discuss why she felt the way she did. Hayden prayed that she could just be given some sort of sign… anything to let her know that a higher power was there, listening to her silent pleas for help.

            Then, she saw a stray snowflake here and there before the heavens opened up and allowed the snow to fall steadily. Hayden lifted her head to the sky, feeling the wet flakes kiss her face and she smiled. Somewhere out there, her someone or something was listening to her thoughts. And as if somehow she could hear the reply, she knew what she had to do. Hayden needed to follow her brain instead of her heart. She needed to make a decision and stick with it. There could be no more indecisiveness.

¨¨¨¨

            Brian walked her up to her apartment and followed her inside. Hayden disappeared into her bedroom to change her clothes and returned to find Brian in the kitchen with two glasses of wine. She gratefully accepted one and allowed him to lead her over to the sofa. The two sat down side by side and sipped their wine in silence. Hayden glanced over at Brian’s distinguished profile. He was too handsome for words… but what else was there that attracted her to this man. Brian was sweet and kind to her, but his personality was a bit too serious for her taste. Or perhaps he tended to hold something back which could have been due to his upbringing.

            “So,” she finally said, causing Brian to look her way. “That was quite a party your mother threw tonight.”

            He merely shrugged. “I guess. I’m used to my mother’s parties. I only apologize for making you go through all of that. She tends to get carried away.”

            “I’m just glad it’s over.”

            Brian reached over and grabbed her hand, intertwining his fingers in hers. “Everyone kept asking me when we were going to set a date.” He waited for a moment for her to respond and when she didn’t, he continued. “I was thinking we could figure it out tonight. What do you say?”

            Hayden didn’t want to agree to anything because she wasn’t completely sure she was going to go through with the wedding yet. But, she couldn’t tell Brian that. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings by telling him that she was undecided on whether or not she wanted to marry him. “I thought that we could have a long engagement. Why rush?” She noticed the hurt expression on his face and quickly added, “But I’m open to your opinion.”

            “How long of an engagement did you have in mind?” he asked in a strained voice.

            “At least a year…” she replied quickly.

            “That’s not completely unreasonable. In fact, that’s perfect because we need

time to plan everything.”

            “Plan everything? What exactly is everything?”

            “Our wedding. My mother and I have already talked about the guest list and invitations… she also said that she would help you with the location, the caterers, everything.” Brian noticed the panicked look on her face. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

            “I don’t want to make a big fuss over our wedding. Can’t we just plan something simple?”

            He squeezed her hand in an attempt of empathy. “You know we can’t. My family has a lot of important people that they have to invite.”

            “But, this isn’t about their friends and your father’s clients. It’s about you and me.”

            “Hayden… I understand where this is coming from. But we can’t get out of a big wedding.”

            “What if we eloped?” Brian snorted but she continued. “Just hear me out. We go off and elope and then let your mother plan an elaborate reception. That way, everyone gets what they want.”

            “It sounds good in theory. But it will never happen and you know it.”

            Hayden jerked her hand out of his and stood up, glaring down at him. “Who are you more inclined to please? Me or your mother?”

            “That’s not fair,” he replied firmly as he stood up and faced her.

            “No, you’re right. It’s not fair. It’s not fair to me. I don’t want a big wedding. I want something simple.”

            “It’s just not feasible.”

            Brian reached out to touch her arm and she jerked away from him, crossing her arms stubbornly over her chest. “Please don’t be like this,” he pleaded. When she didn’t relent, he lost control of his temper. “Look! I’ve got shit coming from both ends right now! You have to learn to compromise just a little!”

            He was right and she knew it. Besides, she should be grateful. There were a lot of women that dreamed of the kind of wedding that she could have. “Okay,” she sighed. “I’ll compromise. But I don’t want your mother taking charge of everything. She can help, but you better tell her that this is our wedding and the final decision is ours.”

            He grabbed her and enveloped her in a hug. “I will lay the law down. I promise.”

            Hayden leaned back and smiled at him. “You better.”

            She allowed him to kiss her softly on her forehead before pulling out of his arms. That feeling was persistent. She cared for Brian beyond anything she could comprehend. But it wasn’t that all encompassing love that made her weak in the knees. When it all came down to it, she wasn’t at all attracted to him in a passionate and sexual way. Maybe it was just a phase that she would grow out of. Deciding to quickly ward away the uncomfortable thoughts invading her mind, she filled the silence with mindless chatter.

            Brian wasn’t going to let her off that easily. “So, what about the wedding date? We need to figure out when we’re going to do this thing.”

            Hayden sighed as she wandered into the kitchen with her glass of wine and pulled the Pinot Noir out of the refrigerator and filled her goblet to the top. “Maybe in the spring. I’ve always liked spring.”

            “This spring?” he asked brightly.

            “No, next spring.” She watched him wander around her den from the kitchen. Hayden could tell by the expression on his face that he had found Miranda’s hidden bags. Deciding to not allow him his lecture on how much of a user her friend was, she quickly added. “How does that sound?”

            “I had hoped to have you pregnant by then.”

            She almost choked. “What?”

            “I had hoped to have you pregnant by then,” he repeated.

            Hayden quickly downed the contents of her wine and stepped out of the kitchen to meet him head on. “That’s what I thought you said. Please tell me you’re kidding.”

            “I’m kidding,” he replied dismissively.

            Hayden could tell by the expression on his face and the tone of his voice that he was being serious. Yet, that wasn’t a can of worms she felt like opening up. That battle was better left for another time.

            “Why next spring?”

            “Because this spring would be too early. I was thinking about maybe next May.”

            “What about April?”

            “Okay.” April or May? It didn’t matter so long as it was over a year away. A long engagement gave her a chance to change her mind, which was something that continuously flipped-flopped.

            “Alright. April 12^th,” he announced with finality.

            “Why April 12^th?”

            “Why not?”

            “What day does it fall on?”

            “Does it matter?”

            “Why wouldn’t it matter?”

            “Why would it?”

            “Do you have to keep answering all of my questions with a question?” Hayden groaned with exasperation.

            “Do I?” he teased.

            Hayden chuckled. “Stop it.”

            Brian’s eyes gleamed mischievously as he wrapped his arms around her and practically lifted her feet off of the ground. “April 12^th it is.”

            “Fine.”

            He kissed her firmly on the lips and Hayden understood completely what that kiss meant. But she wasn’t up to having him stay the night. This lack of being affected by him kept nagging at her and the worst solution was to allow him to stay over. “I have to get up early in the morning. I have an early photo shoot.”

            His expression faded to disappointment. “Can’t you postpone it?”

            “I wish I could. But it’s an important account for me. I hope you can understand.”

            He shrugged before releasing her and walking over to the sofa to retrieve his coat that he had neatly slung over the back. “I understand.”

            Hayden watched him pull the coat on and walked him over to the door. Before he left, Brian turned back to her, his expression all-knowing. “How long is Miranda staying with you this time?”

            “I’m not sure.”

            “Don’t let her take advantage of you, Hayden.”

            “She would never do that and you know it.”

            “I think you’re too trusting of people.”

            “And I think you’re not trusting enough.”

            He silently contemplated her words before he smiled. “I trust you with my life. That’s pretty damn trusting.”

            “I guess so.”

            “I’ll see you later. Have a good night.”

            Brian leaned over and kissed her on the cheek before turning away from her and disappearing down the hallway. Once he was out of sight, Hayden shut the door and made sure to securely lock the deadbolt before she wandered into the kitchen and refilled her wine glass.

            Hayden carried the crystal goblet over to the window and stared out across the freshly blanketed city. It was still snowing outside, fluffy white flakes dancing across the lights of the city. Despite the warmth of her apartment, Hayden couldn’t help but fill a chill rush over her. Was she doing the right thing? Was it wrong to lead Brian on and set a date when in her head she wasn’t even sure she wanted to marry him? Yet, she wasn’t quite convinced that she didn’t want to be with Brian for the rest of her life.

            She knew so many people that pinned their hopes on finding something better out there, only to be disappointed in the end. Sometimes it was better off settling for something safe as opposed to taking a chance on something that seemed better. Grant had said not to disillusion herself on thoughts of grandeur. It was true. There was no promise of finding someone that could love her with the all consuming passion that she desired. Why disenchant herself?

            To deny herself a life with Brian just because she didn’t find herself at all attracted to him would be to deny herself of a chance to be happy. Attraction was only short lived. It faded just as the flowers faded in the fall. But companionship and trust were something that didn’t diminish as the years went by. Brian was someone she could grow old with. And if she didn’t go into their marriage with false expectations of passion and desire, she would be less disappointed when that aspect of the relationship wilted away.

            Hayden realized that following her heart was not an option this time. Her mind made more sense and sensibility was what she would listen to. If she had thought more things through in her life, she would have ended up with a more promising outcome. But this once, she was going to make her decision with common sense instead of allowing emotions to clog her better judgment. Hayden was going to start looking at her wedding to Brian with excitement and hope. No more over-analyzing something that was so simple. She was going to marry Brian and they would be happy. That was the end of it… for now.

Continued