The Long Road Home

By Jamie Nicole White

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Chapter Nine

                        Hayden sat on the front porch, staring out across the horizon. The sun was starting to set against the sky, a bright purple hue mixed in with the clouds. She appreciated the view before her and took comfort in the sunset. Something so beautiful put everything into perspective. Yet, however hard she tried to clear her mind of the thoughts spinning their web in her mind, she couldn’t do it. Her mind was racing with the events that had transpired over the day.

             She had left the ruins of her home and decided to take a walk down by the river. That had done very little to ease her tortured mind. She had thought that when the time came to return to Bakersfield, she would be better prepared for the changes. But like most things, she was wrong. Nothing could have prepared her for the short trip down memory lane that she knew she was about to embark on.

            Suddenly, she heard the screen door open and shut behind her and simply glanced over her shoulder to view the intruder. Staring back at her was Jake. His expression was unreadable as he quietly walked over to the chair adjacent from her and sat down. She watched him lift the beer he held in his hand to his lips but pulled her eyes away from him as he glanced over at her.

            They sat in uncomfortable silence there for what seemed an eternity until the unthinkable happened. Jake actually spoke. She was so amazed by that fact that she hadn’t understood what he had said.

            “What?” she asked, completely dumbfounded.

            “That’s a pretty amazing sunset,” he repeated edgily.

            Hayden sighed as she stretched her arms out in front of her. “I was just thinking the same thing.” She looked at him sideways as she folded her arms over her abdomen and rested her head against the back of the chair. “It’s funny how people get so busy in their own lives that they can’t enjoy something so magnificent as the sun setting.”

            Jake watched her as she spoke, mesmerized by her voice as he had always been. “Sometimes people can’t appreciate something they see everyday.”

            “Not all people. Just the ones who have everything. For those who have nothing, they are grateful for the most simple things.”

            “Who are you to talk about people who have nothing? You’ve got everything, always have,” he retorted in a revolted voice.

            She closed her eyes and relaxed, grinning as she spoke. “If you think I have everything, you are wrong.”

            There was no way she was going to allow this man to belittle her existence, nor make her feel bad about her life and the success she had had. It wasn’t like everything had been handed to her on a silver platter. She had never taken advantage of her father’s wealth, had only asked for a minimum hand out, enough to survive off of. The rest she had done on her own. She was proud of her accomplishments. And Jake Tucker was not going to make her feel mediocre.

            Jake glanced over at her, her eyes still closed, and took a moment to appreciate true beauty. Hayden was just as stunning as he remembered. He would be lying to himself if he said he wasn’t a bit intrigued by her.

            It wasn’t his intention to build a friendship with this woman. But given time to think things through, he realized that he owed his father enough respect to at least try to be pleasant. Walter wanted her here and Jake refused to spoil one of his father’s last wishes. Therefore, he had to do something he hated, suck up his pride and make some weak attempt at being amiable.

            “Are you warm enough?” he asked in a soft voice.

            “I’m fine. Thank you. The weather here is a lot better than what I left behind in New York.”

            “New York, huh? How long have you been living there?” That’s it, he thought to himself. Get her talking about a life he really had no interest in. But at least it was conversation.

            “About ten years now.” She finally opened her eyes and fixed her gaze on him. Hayden was stunned by his unexpected interest… stunned and confused. Why all of a sudden did Jake want to converse? He had made it abundantly clear that the pleasantries would be conserved for his parents’ benefit. Why the unexpected curiosity?

            “I see.” So that was where she had disappeared to. He had always wondered. “Do you like it there?”

            He realized that making small talk with this woman was above and beyond the call of duty. But something about the situation caused him to be interested. She had disappeared without a trace suddenly, had been gone for ten years and without warning, showed up on his doorstep. Jake couldn’t help but be curious about where she had been and what she had been doing. It was a natural reaction.

            “I love it there. I love how rich the culture is and the fact that you can never run out of new adventures. There’s always something fresh right around the corner.”

            He simply nodded. She had always said that she wanted adventure in her life. New York made sense. Years ago, he could have never pictured her in a place like that. Hayden had always been tomboyish and quite comfortable with small town living. But the woman he was looking at today seemed like she probably fit in perfectly there. Gone was the plaid shirt wearing, faded jeans sporting, hair in a ponytail without makeup and all of the normal frills a girl typically adorned herself in. The transformation was overwhelming and it killed him to admit it, but sexy as hell.

            “Are you still living in Houston?”

            His eyes met hers, as if he suddenly was aware that she was there. He had become so lost in his own thoughts that he had forgotten her present company. Jake took a swig of beer as he looked at her sideways. “Yeah, I’m still in Houston.”

            Jake glanced away and stared out across the yard. The trees in front of him were gently swaying in the light winter breeze. He caught her shiver out of the corner of his eye and asked again, “Are you sure you’re warm enough?”

            “I’m fine,” she insisted.

            He could have cut the awkward silence with a knife, the discomfort saturating the atmosphere. Jake didn’t know what to say or how to act. Part of him wanted her to leave, to go back to New York and never look back. Then again, there was another part of him that just wanted to get back to the comfortable camaraderie that they had once shared.

            It was strange sitting next to the girl he had known for so long, had revealed his most intimate secrets to, and communicated fears and dreams with. They shared so many memories, good and bad, it was disheartening to see the shreds of their once close friendship, tattered and torn.

            “So… You’re an architect?” Hayden replied finally, completely overwhelmed by the long stretch of silence. It was odd to have once been so close to someone and now feel nothing left of that intimacy.

            “Yep,” he replied passively as he took another long swallow of beer.

            “Was all of the hard work worth it?”

            Jake glanced at her for a lengthy moment before he answered. “Sometimes I wonder.”

            “Really?” Hayden asked with sincere interest.

            “I don’t know. I’m sure a few years from now, once I’ve gotten my feet wet, it’ll be worth it. But right now, I’m not getting the jobs I want.”

            “What kind of jobs do you want?” she asked.

            “Something without creative restrictions.”

            “I don’t understand.”

            Jake looked at her, really looked at her. He was expecting to see pacification in her eyes, but instead he saw genuine curiosity. She was honestly attentive to what he was saying, seemed to be engrossed in their conversation. Her interest took him by surprise.

            “Right now, I’m designing based on what the client wants,” he explained. “What I’d rather be doing is having them hire me based on my personal designs.”

            “I’ve found that things generally fall into place when we’re not looking. I’m sure if you hang in there, you’ll get what you want.”

            Jake had to admit how ironic that statement was. Yet, he refused to comment on it. Instead, he simply shrugged and took another long sip of his beer. “Have you gotten what you wanted?”

            Hayden remained silent, mulling over the question he had just asked. She met his eyes and offered a small smile. “I can’t complain with where my life is right now. I have great friends, a wonderful job, and financial security to do pretty much whatever I want to do. It’s nice not to have to ask daddy for money.”

            “And you’re getting married,” he added with a bit of animosity.

            She shrugged nonchalantly. “You’d think that would be a blessing.”

            “Really? Why do you say that?” Jake asked, his voice a bit more bitter than he intended.

            “You haven’t met Brian’s mother. The woman hates me, first of all. She is intentionally trying to sabotage our wedding.”

            “What makes you think that?”

            She sighed. “Everything I say I want, she does the complete opposite. I mean, this woman has our wedding all planned out and she only asks for my opinion to pacify Brian.”

            “So? Tell her to back off,” he replied with an insignificant shrug of his shoulders.

            “It’s not that easy. Brian’s family is very important people in Manhattan. They have practically invited all of the upper class society that run in the same circles as they do. Grant, Brian’s father, feels that he can’t leave out his most important clients either. He says it’s bad for business. And of course, Brian doesn’t know any better so he just goes along with whatever his parents say. It’s going to be a very beautiful ceremony. I don’t deny that. It’s just not what I would have chosen.”

            “Hayden?”

            “Hmmm,” she replied, glancing at him for the first time since her bitter montage over her wedding woes began.

            “The girl I remember would have already stood up for herself. She would have told them the way it was going to be and that would have been the end of the discussion.”

            “Well,” she swallowed hard. “Sometimes we all have to learn to compromise.”

            “I guess. I’ve never known you to do that, but…”

            “We all grow up, Jake,” she countered harshly, a bit frightened by the abrasiveness of her own voice. She didn’t want to be reminded of the past, of the naïve girl who used to believe that everything was meant to turn out the way she had it planned, no compromising and no give and take. The adolescent ideals of an eighteen year old girl who thought she had the world in the palm of her hand no longer existed.  All that was left was a seasoned veteran at love’s great losses, a girl who had grown into a woman overnight, who had learned that things don’t work out the way you want them to and sometimes you have to go out and settle for what’s best as opposed to what’s better. “We all change,” she said a little more softly. “I’m not the same girl I was when I was eighteen.”

            His eyes flicked over her, partly disgusted and somewhat intrigued. “No you are not,” he conceded a little sadly. He wished to God she was.

            Hayden stared at him for a long moment, dazed and confused by the strange feeling of unfamiliarity with this man. It was like staring into the eyes of a stranger, as if their entire past together had been nonexistent. Why did it have to be this way? Why couldn’t they just forgive and forget? She knew why. Because they were both stubborn and obstinate and unable to admit that they were wrong.

            Just as she was about to speak, her cell phone rang. “Hold on a minute.” Hayden rolled her eyes irritably as she snatched the phone from her pocket and flipped it open. “Hello?”

            “Hayden?” Brian’s confused voice came over the line.

            “Brian… Hi.”

            “Where are you?”

            “I’m in Texas. Didn’t Miranda tell you?”

            “She told me. But I thought she was just messing with me. What the hell are you doing there?”

            “An emergency came up. Can I call you back?” As soon as the words had come out of her mouth, she heard the screen door shut and realized that Jake had already walked away. So much for their polite conversation and sad attempt at civility. Cursing under her breath, she sighed. “Never mind.”

            Jake walked inside, standing by the doorway out of sight. It wasn’t his intention to eavesdrop. Curiosity had taken over as soon as he had learned that she was talking to her future husband, curiosity and jealousy.

            Despite the fact that they had been over for ten years, it was hard for him to imagine her with someone else. There was a time when he had thought that they would be together forever. He had thought that they would one day get married and have children together, when the time was right… grow old together. Even though that image had been shattered years ago, he found it hard to believe she was going to spend her life with someone else.       

            He heard footsteps behind him and turned to greet the interloper. His father was making his way slowly towards him.

            Jake instantly walked away from the screen door and met his father half way.

            “Hi,” he grinned sheepishly.

            Walter nodded and took a seat on the sofa, patting the cushion beside of him for Jake to join him. Wordlessly, Jake walked to the couch and sat down beside of his father. He stared at Walter’s pale face for a long moment.

            “How are you feeling?” Jake finally asked.

            “I’d be feeling a lot better if everyone would quit asking me how I’m feeling.”

            He hung his head down. “I’m sorry.”

            Walter waved his hand dismissively in the air. “No, I’m sorry. I’ve been a bit short tempered with you. And you have every right to question my motives.”

            “What motives?”

            “For inviting Hayden here.”

            “It’s not my place to question you.”

            “The hell it isn’t,” Walter snapped. “You have every right to not want her here. I understand that. But I want you to really think things through before you go off making half-witted judgments. If you only learn one lesson from me in life, it will be that things are not always what they appear.” With that, Walter stood up and headed back into the bedroom, leaving Jake to his thoughts.        

            Glancing out, Jake noticed that she was no longer sitting on the porch. She must have wandered off again. But this time, he wasn’t going to go look for her. He needed time to think. Somehow, he didn’t feel such contempt and loathing for her. The emotions surging through him were unexplainable.

            Sighing inwardly, he pulled himself off of the couch and wandered to the spare room where he found his father resting on the bed. Jake pulled a chair up beside of the bed and sat down. He stared at his father patiently as Walter fumbled to sit up.

            “What did you mean by what you said?” he asked calmly.

            “Exactly what I said,” was his simple reply.

            “I want you to be straight with me. Did I push her away?”

            “You both had to deal with things that no one your age should have to deal with.”

            “Did I push her away?” he repeated, his voice more insistent.

            “I think you didn’t know how to act or feel. Love is a funny thing. We all fall into it and expect for it to remain pure and untainted. But that’s not the way it works. It throws us a curve ball when we’re expecting a fast ball. It’s up to us whether or not we swing the bat or take the strike.”

            “You’re right. I didn’t know how to act or feel.”

            “That’s normal. The thing is, neither did she. And when you should have been working through it together, you pushed her away and chose to deal with it alone. But you didn’t stop and think that she needed you. It’s just one of the perks of being young and selfish. We all go through it. However, it’s never too late.”

            “Too late for what?”

            “To forgive… and to reclaim what is rightfully yours,” he replied innocently.

            “What is rightfully mine?” Jake bit out irritably.

            “You two belong together. I have known it since the moment I laid eyes on the two of you together.”

            “If we belonged together, we would be together,” he countered dryly.

            “Not everything comes as easily as we wish for it to. Sometimes, you have to actually climb the mountain to enjoy the view.”

            “I know that your intentions are good, but there is nothing left between Hayden and me.”

            Walter grinned. “Whatever you say, Son.”

            Jake simply rolled his eyes. “I don’t know what kind of pain medication they have you on.”

            He stared at his father for a long moment, trying to figure the man out. Walter never did anything without underlying intentions. He just wondered what exactly his father was up to. “You didn’t invite her here with the false expectations that she and I would somehow magically fall back in love did you?”

            “When you can visualize the light at the end of the tunnel, you tend to see things more clearly. I have had a lot of time to reflect on my life and I am starting to figure out all the things I wish I could have done differently. Unfortunately, I was never given that chance.” Walter reached over and placed his frail hand on Jake’s. “There’s so many things in life that we take for granted. I don’t want you to regret one thing about yours.”

            “What makes you think that I would?” was his frustrated reply.

            “A feeling I get.”

            “I’m happy, Dad. I don’t regret anything so far.”

            “Really? You don’t regret anything?”

            “Not one thing.”

            “You don’t regret not having the one woman who you have loved most of your life?”

            “What Hayden and I had was special. I won’t deny that. But it’s in the past. She’s getting married. And I…”

            “Haven’t been able to move on,” Walter finished for him.

            “Just because I’m not actively looking for someone doesn’t mean that I haven’t moved on. I’m just not interested in meeting someone right now.”

            “Or maybe you don’t want to look because you know you’ll never find anyone like her again.”

            “You’re right. I will never find another woman like Hayden. And that is my cross to bear.” He stood up and smiled down at his father. “Get some rest. I’ll come back to check in on you in a little while.”

            He didn’t give his father time to answer. Instead, he quickly left the room and shut the door quietly behind him.

Continued